The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

A large engineering company in Nigeria recently hired several cannibals to work in its Structural dept. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of our employees". The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later the HR Manager remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our construction instrument engineers has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shook their heads "No". After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate that construction Instrument engineer?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating Piping Engineers and no one noticed a thing. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."

[Bob Garage]

Bread Warning

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called “dough.” It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average North American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a “gateway” food item, leading the user to “harder” items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 240 degrees Celsius! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

1. No sale of bread to minors
2. A nationwide “Just Say No To Toast” campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of “Bread-free” zones around schools.

[Bob Garage]

The brewery held a contest to select a name for the new beer they had been developing.
They advertised over all the airwaves, TV and in all the newspapers.
They received thousands of submissions.

The panel of judges was kept busy for many weeks sorting through all of the entries.
Finally they settled on one particular entry -
"Love On A Lake".

The selected entry was given to the president of the company for his approval.
The president's comment was, "I like the name but, I'm puzzled as to how the contestant selected this name. If he can explain the meaning of the name, I'll be happy to award the prize to him."

The judges located the contestant.
When they asked him for an explanation, he responded,
"Well, love on a lake is f*cking near water.... and that's what this beer tastes like!!"

[Bob Garage]

Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and
replies,

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his
father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

[Bob Garage]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and
places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up
and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about
one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back
into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter
as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a
beautiful piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just ! one wish~~ each person is only allowed one!'

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into
the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks
and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think
your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks,
not a million ducks.'

'Tell me about it!!' says the man,

'Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?'

[Bob Garage]

'Be Very Quiet' said the father to his son. Father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said: 'Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field.' A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son...

'What's wrong?' The father asked. 'I told you to be quiet.' The boy,
bless his heart, answered; 'Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered
across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I
didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' 'Well, I guess I just panicked'

[slayerdiabolus]

"Well, love on a lake is f*cking near water.... and that's what this beer tastes like!!"

Robbed straight from Monty Python


Rest are good though, keep it up Mr. Garage

[Bob Garage]

Robbed straight from Monty Python

i dont see your problem. They are the kings of comedy!

[Bob Garage]

A teacher in a one-room schoolhouse arrives one morning to find a
nice red apple on her desk with a tag tied to it saying T.O.T. Knowing
that she had some not-so-nice pranksters in her class, she cautiously
asked 'Can someone explain what T.O.T. means?' Mary in the front row
raised her hand to explain it means 'To Our Teacher.'


The next morning the teacher finds a bigger and prettier apple than
the day before. This time there is a tag with T.O.T.W.L. written on
it. She asks for an explanation for this note and little Johnny waves
his hand to explain 'That means 'To Our Teacher With Love'.


The next morning she arrives to find a great big watermelon sitting on
her desk with a tag saying 'F.U.C.K.' Her jaw drops and she screams
'Who can explain this?'


Little Buckwheat in the back row raises his hand and says, that means
'From Us Colored Kids'

[Bob Garage]

The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.
They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out 'My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!'

The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out, 'Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?'

The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. 'Yes, I am Jesus' he says.

The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him 'I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me.'

So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table.
Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, 'Errr, excuse me Sir but would you be Jesus?'
Jesus smiles and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'

The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus This the bartender duly does.

As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.
Then the Australian calls out, 'Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?'
Jesus nods and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'

The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over Pot of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure. Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. Oh God, the arthritis is gone,' he says. 'The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. By Jove', he exclaims, 'The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a Miracle!'

Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.
The Aussie whispers.'Piss off mate, I'm on Workers Comp'