The Official Joke Thread

[Fadingtoblack]

OK, hear's a thought, a thread were you can post the funniest jokes you can think of, for all of us to enjoy too!

Ok, here's one I heard tonight, beware, some may find it offensive.....


Ok, so there's these two gay blokes going at it hammer and tongs when suddenly the house catches on fire, so who can escape first? The guy on the bottom, or the guy on top?


Highlight to read easier...

Answer: The guy on the bottom as his shits already been packed!!!

[Bob Garage]

i like the idea of this thread, so here's my first contriibution, a little story for you...

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife
goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon'.

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain', Mrs Smith cut in, 'I've been expecting you'.

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have
a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there'.

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry
and me!'

'Well, Ma'am. none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if
we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with there results'.

'My, that's a lot!' gasped Mrs Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be
in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with
that'.

'Don't I know it', said Mrs Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus', he said.

'Oh my God!' Mrs Smith exclaimed, tugging at her neckerchief.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her
mother was so difficult to work with'.

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look'.

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally,
when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it
all in'.

Mrs Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
um...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away'.

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long... Ma'am? Ma'am? Good Lord, she's
fainted!'

[Fadingtoblack]

Hahaha, well cut me off at the knees and call me tripod! Now that's damn funny.


Fadingtoblack

[Fadingtoblack]

Ok, so this thread's not taking off as much as I would've liked, cmon guys!!!

So here's another one from me:


This plane crashes on a remote island and immediately the only 3 survivors are captured by the natives. The chief goes up to the guys and says: "You go into Jungle, get ten pieces of a fruit, then come back, or we kill you". So the guys go off into the Jungle and after a while the first guy comes back with ten apples. Chief says "Now you stick all up arse without changing face expression or we kill you". The guy, not wanting to die of course starts forcing the apples up, he's on number two when he winces in pain, so they kill him.

A bit longer and the second guy comes back, with ten cherries. Chief says "Now you stick all up arse without changing face expression or we kill you". The guy, not wanting to die of course starts forcing the cherries up, he's going strong, 7, 8, 9 when suddenly he cracks up laughing so they kill him.

So the two guys meet up in heaven and the first guy goes: "Man what happened, you only had one left, you almost made it, what happened!?" The secons guy just shakes his head and says: "Man, I couldn't help it, I saw the last guy coming with 10 pineapples!"


Fadingtoblack

[Bob Garage]

well i think this thread is a good idea mr fadetoblack, so here's another one from me....

A wealthy aristocrat was chatting with his elderly gamekeeper one day, shortly before Christmas. The conversation came around to the presents they would buy their respective wives.


"I think I'll buy her Ladyship a diamond brooch and a new Mercedes" says the aristo.

"Why's that, Sor"? asks the gnarled old rustic, "Why the diamonds and the new Merc"?

"Because Jennings, if her Ladyship doesn't like the brooch, she can return it in style, and still get pleasure from the trip in the Mercedes".

"Oh, roight, I see".

"What about your wife? What are you buying Mrs Jennings"?

"A pair of slippers and a dildo, Sor".

"Oh, I say! Why the dildo"?

"Well, if she don't loike the slippers, she can go fuck 'erself".

[Fadingtoblack]

haha, nice. Looks as if it's just you and me Mr. Garage. Being in a funny mood, here's my second for today, fresh from the pages of FHM!


A man takes his wife to the cattle show, and they start heading down the alley showing off the buls. They come up to the first one and his sign says: mated 50 times last year. The wife turns to the husband and says: "He mated 50 times lat year, you could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign says: This bull mated 65 times last year. The wife turns to the husband again and says: "This one mated 65 times last year, you could learn from him too!" They get to the last bull and this ones sign says: This bull mated 365 times last year. The wife turns to the husband yet again and says: "Wow! He mated 365 times lat year! That's once a day! You could really learn from him!"
The husband, finally having enough turns to the wife and says: "Ok, that's great, now go and ask if it was 365 times with the same cow!!!"


Fadingtoblack

[Bob Garage]

liverpudlians may find this one offensive, the rest of us, however, will probably find this hillarious

There's an Irishman, Australian and Scouser in a pub having a drink and a chat when they spot someone. For a while it drives them mad, as they know who it is, but can't think of his name. Then suddenly it dawns on them, "It's Jesus" says the Aussie and with a nod of agreement, the other two acknowledge that he's right.
So they all decide to buy Jesus a pint and sure enough, he's soon got a pint of Fosters, a Guinness and a Bitter. Jesus nods and smiles in their direction and enjoys his drinks during the evening.

As he's about to leave, Jesus comes over and shakes hands with the Irishman thanking him for the Guinness. As he lets go, the Irishman feels a warmth upon him and he can feel over 30 years of bad arthritis leaving his body. He can't believe it and thanks Jesus.

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Aussie who exclaims, "My bad back....it's gone, the pains' all gone".

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, "Back off mate, I'm on disability"

[Fadingtoblack]

Ok another one from me, I wonder if it's on the same island as last time? anyhoo...


This plane crashes on a remote island (two in a row, someone shut this joint down!) and immediately the only 3 survivors are captured by the natives. The chief goes up to the guys and says: "You have two choice, Oonga Boonga, or Death." The first guy thinks to himself, well, I don't want to die, so he choices Oonga Boonga.
"Oonga Boonga!!!!!" the chief yells and immediately all the men in the village run up a take turns doing the first bloke from behind.

The chief then turns to the second man and says: "You have two choice, Oonga Boonga, or Death." The second man, being a bit of a back-tickler, zipper sniffer, fudge packer, or whichever you prefer, immediately chooses Oonga Boonga.
"Oonga Boonga!!!!!" the chief yells and immediately all the men in the village run up a take turns doing the second bloke from behind, a big grin on his face the whole time I might add.

The Chief finally gets himself back together and turns to the 3rd man saying: "You have two choice, Oonga Boonga, or Death."
The last guy, after seeing the alternative decides he'd rather go to the grave the way God intended, anal virginity intact, so he stand up straight, and declares: "Death."
A stunned silence falls over the village, and finally the chief raises his staff: "DEATH!!!!! DEATH BY OONGA BOONGA!!!!!"


Fadingtoblack

[Diarmuid]

This is a pretty old restaurant joke, but I'll give it a whirl.

A man and his wife go to a nice, plush, five star restaurant to eat. They're seated and the maitre'd brings them their menu and asks what they'd like to drink, takes their orders, and goes off to get the drinks. As he comes back, the wife notices that he has a soup spoon in his vest pocket. She doesn't mention it, though, and they order their food. The maitre'd comes back a short time later with their meal, and she notices that he has a little string dangling from his zipper. But again, she says nothing, and they enjoy their meal. About halfway through the meal, she sees a few more waiters, and they all have the spoon in the vest pocket and the string dangling from their pants. As the maitre'd comes back with their bill, she asks him, "Excuse me, sir, but I noticed as you were coming to the table that all of the waiters seem to have spoons in your vests and strings dangling from your pants, and I was wondering why you do that?"

The waiter says, "Well, miss, statistically, about 80% of all wait staff usually end up dropping a soup spoon on our way to the table, so we always keep one in our pocket just in case."

"I see," says the woman. "Well, I suppose that makes sense. What about the string?"

"The string is for when we have to use the restroom. All we do is pull the string down, our thing flops out, we do our business. It saves the trouble of having to wash our hands because we're not actually touching ourselves. It's more efficient that way." The woman nods, thanks the waiter, and gives him her credit card. While they're waiting, the husband decides to go to the bathroom, and a different waiter comes over and asks her if they enjoyed their meal.

"Yes, the meal was fabulous, but I have a question."

"What's that, madam?" asks the waiter.

"When you're going to the bathroom and you use that string, how do you get your member back into your pants?"

The waiter looks around carefully and then leans in close and says, "Well, personally, ma'am...I use the spoon."

[Diarmuid]

liverpudlians may find this one offensive, the rest of us, however, will probably find this hillarious

I think that reference only makes sense if you live in England.