The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas, oil, and petrol ........the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

We apologise for any inconvenience.

[Bob Garage]

1. The latest club craze is to fill a woman's v*gina with vodka and then suck it out using a straw. Doctors are now warning about the dangers of minge drinking


2. A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos! Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters!


3. 85% of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower........ The other 15% haven't been to prison yet!


4. I'm really p*ssed off! Someone's just crashed into my car in one of those new advertised Skodas. There's f.......g jam and sponge everywhere!


5. B*stards! Just been thrown out & barred from the local swimming baths because I had my Speedo trunks on! What I didn't know was the 'S' had come off the logo!!


6. Just bought a racehorse called 'My Face', It may not be any good, but I can't wait to hear all the women in the crowd screaming 'Come on My Face ! "


7. I've just been to my first Muslim birthday party! Musical chairs was a bit slow, but f*ck me, pass the parcel was bloody fast!


8. I dunno what all the fuss is about this shark coming to Cornwall. It's the first thing in ages that's tried to get in this country that's white !!


9. Two Irish couples decide to swap partners. Afterwards Paddy said to Murphy " That's the best f*ck I've ever had, I wonder how the girls got on ?


10. If mothers Celebrate Mothers day, fathers celebrate Fathers day, lovers celebrate Valentines day, do wankers celebrate palm Sunday?


11. Just popped home, caught the plumber with his dick in the dog! Can't believe the police won't do anything! They said the b*stard was corgi registered


12. Are you available to come to a charity pancake competition on Shrove Tuesday? The organisers have the pans and the ingredients, but they just need a toss@r?

[Bob Garage]

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist and the fourth man was a government employee.

To show off, the engineer called his cat,

'T-square, do your stuff.'


T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.


Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said,

'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.

He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.


Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his cat could do better.


He called his cat and said 'Measure, do your stuff.'

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the government employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'

The government employee called his cat and said,

'Coffee Break, do your stuff.'


Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave!

[Bob Garage]

'Y'know,' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow
there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his
way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth
drink for you.'

'Well,' said the Englishman, 'At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will
buy you your third drink after you buy the first two!'

'Ahhh, that's nothing,' said the Irishman. 'Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's
Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then
another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll
take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.'

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims,
but he swears every word is true. 'Well,' said the Englishman, 'Did this
actually happen to you?"

''Not me meself, personally, no,' said the Irishman, 'But it did happen to my
sister.'

[Bob Garage]

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, 'Give the ballerina a drink!
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, 'I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina'?'

The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina.'

[Bob Garage]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws''

[Bob Garage]

'Cash, cheque or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?'
I asked.

'No,' she replied, ' but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

[Bob Garage]

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me.

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !!!

[slayerdiabolus]

[slayerdiabolus]