The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

[Bob Garage]

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil ...

Satan: 'Why so glum?'

Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'

Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'

Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'

Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.'

Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'

Satan: 'You a smoker?'

Guy: 'You better believe it'

Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?'

Guy: 'Wow ... that's awesome!'

Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.'

Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'

Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.'

Guy: 'Cool!'

Satan: 'What about drugs?'

Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean ...?'

Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.'

Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'

Satan: 'You gay?'

Guy: 'No...'

Satan: 'Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough ...

[Bob Garage]

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

[Bob Garage]

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch thenstarts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, 'Where are you going?'
He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'
She says, 'Why, are you sick?'
He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out ofher rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, 'Where the hell are you going'?
She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'
He says, 'Why, what do you need?'
She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm gettinga tetanus shot.'

[Bob Garage]

A redneck went to town with his dog,

tied it under the shade of a tree,

and headed into the bar for a cold one.


Twenty minutes later,

a policeman entered the bar and asked,

‘Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?’

The redneck said it was his.

‘Your dog seems to be in heat’ the officer said.

The redneck replied, ‘No way.

She’s cool ’cause she’s tied up under that shade tree.'

The policeman said, ‘No! You don’t understand.

Your dog needs to be bred.'

‘No way,' said the redneck.

‘That dog don’t need bread.

She ain’t hungry ’cause I fed her this mornin.'

The exasperated policeman said, ‘NO !

You don’t understand; your dog wants to have sex!’


The redneck looked at the cop and said,

‘Well, go ahead.

I always wanted a police dog.’ ……..

[Bob Garage]

i think we've had this one before......


A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.

The teacher says to the first child ''Hello Becky, what have you been doing this Playtime?''

Becky replies ''I have been playing in the sand box.''

''Very good,'' says the teacher ''if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit.''

Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.

''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

The teacher then says,''Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?''

Freddie replies, ''Playing with Becky in the sand box.''

''Very good,'' says the teacher, ''if you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit.''

Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.

''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

Teacher then says,''Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?''

''No,'' replies Mohammed, ''I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives.''

''Oh dear,'' says the teacher, ''that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me -
I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit.''

[Bob Garage]

Here is an interesting comment on the current recession in USA:

Dr. Marc Faber concluded his monthly bulletin (June 2008) with the Following:

'The federal government is sending each of us a $600 Rebate.

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China.

If we spend It on gasoline, it goes to the Arabs.

If we buy a computer, it will go to India.

If we purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.

If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany.

If we Purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in the US !!!

[Bob Garage]

A little boy gets 10 for his birthday and rushes down to the Sport Shop to
buy the new football he has been desperate for. He gets a ball down from the
rack and gives the shop-keeper his 10. "Sorry son !!" explains the
shopkeeper. "This ball costs 20, but you've only got 10".

Thinking quickly, the boy looks up at the different club footballs on the rack
and says: "Ok. If you blindfold me and I guess which club's crest is on
the ball, will you let me have the ball for 10?" The shopkeeper decides
to humour the boy. He agrees to the lad's proposal, and so he blindfolds the
boy.

First up he gives the boy an Arsenal ball. "OK," says the boy,
placing his ear to the ball, "I can hear the blasting sound of two cannons.
This must be an Arsenal ball!" "That was a lucky guess,"
exclaimed the shopkeeper, "Let's try another one!"... and he hands
him a Millwall ball. "OK," says the boy, placing his ear to the ball
again, "I can hear a pack of rampant Lions. It must be a Millwall
ball!"

"Blimey!" says the shopkeeper. "If you get the next one right
I'll let you have the ball for nothing..." and with that he passes him
another ball. Again the boy puts the ball to his ear and after a few moments he
exclaims "That's a Tottenham Hotspur ball!". "How on earth
did you get that one? I suppose you heard a cockerel crowing!!"

"No..." said the boy. "It's going down!"

[Bob Garage]

Paddy weighs 20st, so his doctor puts him on a diet. 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day and repeat this for 2 weeks, you should loose 5lbs.' When Paddy returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost 4st. 'That?s amazing the doc said'...Paddy nodded...'I'll tell you be Jesus, I taut I was gonna drop dead by da 3rd day.' 'What from hunger said the doc?'...'No from the f........g skipping!'

[Bob Garage]

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.'
The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia'
The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Australian replied, 'of course.'
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, and then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia.
The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'
The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.'
The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
'We throw them away, of course!'
Now it was the Australians turn to smile.
'We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'