The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

There's a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly. The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma.

She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees. When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door.

Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately. The nurse, upset that her idea had not only not worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened.

"I'm not sure," said the husband, "but I think she choked!"

[Bob Garage]

A bloke marries a deaf girl, and on the honeymoon he says to her "we have to have some sort of code.
When I want sex, I will kiss your cheek and stroke your left breast.
You will reply by tugging on my willie once for yes................ and 150 times for no"..

[Bob Garage]

A farmer was down on his luck having suffered a bad growing season, lack of crops and poor prices. To make ends meet he decided he'd have to sell his dog - a most intelligent animal.

A few days after placing the ad, a man came to see this "intelligent" dog.
When asked what the dog could do, the farmer pointed to a stand of trees nearby and informed the man there was a pond on the other side. He turned to the dog and commanded, "Hunt."

Immediately the dog took off for the trees, came back a few moments later and barked twice. The farmer said, "He just told me there are two ducks down at the pond."
"That's absurd." said the potential buyer. "Dogs can't count. He was probably just barking for the heck of it."
Just then a duck flew overhead, descended just past the trees and apparently landed on the pond.
"Now send him back and have him count!" said the man.
The farmer again commanded "Hunt!" and off went the dog. He came back shortly and barked three times.
The buyer finally believed the dog was smart and bought him on the spot.

A few days later the man took his new dog out into the woods where he knew there was a pond nearby. He commanded the dog "Hunt!" and the dog took off toward the pond and came back a few minutes later with a stick in its mouth. He came up to the man swinging the stick wildly around and began humping his leg.
"Smart, my ass!" said the new owner and promptly shot the dog.

When he got home he immediately called the farmer to complain. "Some dog you sold me! When I told him to 'hunt' he came back waving a stick and started humping my leg so I shot the queer critter."

And the farmer replied, "You f*cking idiot! He was trying to tell you there were more f*cking ducks than you could shake a stick at!"

[Bob Garage]

This is a story about A Fly, a Fish, a Bear A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.

There is a moral to this story.....

In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.

The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,

'Gosh... if I go down three inches

I will feel the mist

From the water and I will be refreshed.'

There was a fish in the water thinking,

'Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'

There was a bear on the shore thinking,

'Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches

That fish will jump for the fly...

And I will grab the fish!!'

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank

Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....

'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...

And that fish leaps for it...

That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.

I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'

Now, you probably think this is

Enough activity on one river bank,

But I can tell you there's more...

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,

'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...

And that fish jumps for that fly..

And that bear grabs for that fish..

The dumb hunter will shoot the bear

And drop his cheese sandwich.'

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,

(as was fashionable to do on the banks of

This particular river around lunch time)

'Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches..

And that fish jumps for that fly

And that bear grabs for that fish

And that hunter shoots that bear..

And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .

Then I can have mouse for lunch.'

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he

Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly...

The bear grabs the fish..

The hunter shoots the bear..

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The cat jumps for the mouse..

The mouse ducks...

The cat falls into the water and drowns.

NOW, The Moral Of The Story....

Whenever a fly goes down three inches,

Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.

Didn't see that one coming, did you?

[Bob Garage]

This lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome young man doing the bagging at one of the checkouts. Making sure she goes through his line, she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he
responds, "Sure lady."
They no sooner get out of the store when she again leans over and whispers, "You know, I have a hot moist pussy."
To which he responds, "You'll have to point it out lady, all those Japanese cars look alike to me!"

[Bob Garage]

A man says to wife, "I'm feeling kinky tonight. How about I cum in your ear, baby?"
His wife says, "No way! I might go deaf."
Her husband replies dryly, "I've been cumming in your mouth for twenty years, and you never shut the fuck up ..."

[Bob Garage]

There is a Space Shuttle mission with 2 monkeys and a woman
on board.

The headquarters in the US calls: "Monkey number 1, Monkey
number 1 to the television screen." He sits down and he is told to
release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature of
engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So monkey does the
pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.

A few moments later headquarters calls again: "Monkey number 2,
monkey number 2 to the television screen." He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3,to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation.
So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.

A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Woman, please woman,
approach the screen." She sits down and just as she is about to be
told what to do she says.....

I know I know!! Feed the monkeys, and don't f**king touch anything."

[Bob Garage]

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. He releases Juan and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

[Bob Garage]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

[Bob Garage]

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"