The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."

[Bob Garage]

There is a knock on St. Peter's door. He looks out and a man is standing there. St. Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A short time later there's another knock. St. Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, and the man disappears once again. "Hey, are you playing games with me?" St. Peter calls after him. "No," the man's distant voice replies anxiously. "They're trying to resuscitate me."

[Bob Garage]

Grandpa had a ritual he looked forward to every Sunday morning. He would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time - Just he and his little granddaughter.
On one particular Sunday, however, he had a very bad cold and didn't feel like getting out of bed at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
Upon their return, the little girl anxiously ran up stairs to see her grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'
'Oh yes, Grandpa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what?
We didn't see one dumb bastard or stupid shithead anywhere we went today!'

[Bob Garage]

Paddy and Eileen are sixty-nining when Paddy says,
"Eileen, did you know that the Government spent 2 million on repairs to the President’s house last year?"
"Hell!" exclaims Eileen. "That's too much money."

"And, "says Paddy, "did you know that one rape occurs every ten minutes in Dublin?"
"Hell! " replies Eileen. "Paddy, you know everything."

"Eileen," says Paddy, "Did you know that Enya had an operation to make her tits bigger?"
"Really!" says Eileen. "But Paddy?" She asks, "Even though you know everything, why are you telling me all this while we are having sex?

To which Paddy replies, " Remember last year, when you forgot to buy the toilet paper over the Christmas weekend, and we had to use newspaper?"
"Yes, I remember", says Eileen.
"Well," says Paddy, you still have page 16 of The Irish Times stuck to your arse."

[Bob Garage]

A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it
didn't move'

[Bob Garage]

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later.....'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

[Bob Garage]

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

[Bob Garage]

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me
tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'

[Bob Garage]

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

[Bob Garage]

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'