The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

A little boy was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

[Bob Garage]

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[Bob Garage]

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

[Bob Garage]

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her,

'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

[Bob Garage]

Englishman, Irishman and a Scot all having a drink in the pub one November evening, suddenly the Scotsman surprises the entire room by offering to buy the entire pub a round of drinks, "It's my wee son's birthday today, and I was so proud of the wee chappie when he was born on St. Andrew's Day, that I called him Andrew!"

"Good Lord!" exclaimed the Englishman, "What a coincidence, my son George was born on April 23rd... St. George's Day!"

"Ah, 'tis a strange thing, dis coincidence," says the Irishman, "t'be sure, the same thing happened with my son Pancake!"

[Bob Garage]

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the United Nations.
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure:

In Africa, they didn't know what 'food' meant.
In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what 'honest' meant.
In Western Europe, they didn't know what 'shortage' meant.
In China, they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.
In the Middle East, they didn't know what 'solution' meant.
In South America, they didn't know what 'please' meant.
And in the United States, they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant!

[Bob Garage]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and
working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when
his father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to
share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most
beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look
like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just
a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit £20
million.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three
days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

[Bob Garage]

A woman wants the inside of her house painted, and she calls a contractor in to help her.
They wander around the house, and she points out the colours she wants.
She says, "Now in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper, and writes on it.
Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up!"
The woman is most perplexed, but she lets it slide.

They wander into the next room.
She says, "In the dining room, I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper, and writes on it.
Then he goes to the window, leans out, And yells "Green side up!"
The woman is even more perplexed, but still she lets it slide.

They wander further into the next room.
She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper, and writes on it.
Then once more he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up!"

This is too much for the woman.
So she asks, "Every time I tell you a colour, you write it down, but then you yell out the window Green Side Up. What on earth does that mean?"

The contractor shakes his head and says....... "I have four Irishmen laying turf across the street."

[Bob Garage]

Polish man goes into an opticians...
Optician covers one eye up and says to the bloke...
"Can you read the eye chart please?"
Polish man says " Read it ! I know him "

[Bob Garage]

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve
and says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your
mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell
they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do
a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says,
'they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'