The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool
fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why
didn't you raise your hand?'

'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool
fan, then who are you a fan of?'

'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are
you a Man Utd fan?'

'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan,
so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no
reason for you to be a Man Utd fan. You don't have to be just like
your parents all of the time… What if your mum was a prostitute
and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.

[Bob Garage]

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when
a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disc.

[Bob Garage]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"


The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

[Bob Garage]

When Madonna first moved to England she said she wanted to feel more English.


She is now an unmarried, single mother with three kids all from different Fathers, one of them black.


Job done!!

[Bob Garage]

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16 years old and went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was a beautiful female assistant behind the counter and she could see that I was new to this. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I answered honestly, "Well, not exactly; this is my first time." So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to always make sure it was on tight and secure. I nodded yes but apparently I still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was.

"Just a minute," she said, as she walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?", she asked. I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head rapidly and smile. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I slipped it on nice and secure, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay back on the desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."

So I climbed up on the desk and entered her. It felt so wonderful that unfortunately I couldn't hold back and KAPOW!!, I was done within just a minute, if even that long.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?", she
asked.

I said, "I sure did",,,,,,,,and held up my thumb to show her.

[Bob Garage]

Three parrots for sale
They cost £100, £200 and £15.
A woman asks "Why is that parrot so cheap?"
The shopkeeper replies, "because it used to
live in a brothel."
The woman thinks it’s funny and buys the parrot.
When she gets home the parrot says,
"A new brothel!"
The woman laughs.
Her two daughters come home, the parrot says
"My new prossies!" The girls laugh.
The husband come home and the parrot says
"F**k me Keith I haven't seen you for weeks".

[Bob Garage]

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other.
When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbours who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket.
After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbours approached in a group to ask these questions:
Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old b*****d dig...... I had him buried upside down."

[Bob Garage]

A guy walks in to a kebab shop and is surprised to see Father Christmas serving behind the counter.

"Santa!" he says. "What are you doing working here? Shouldn't you be up at the North Pole preparing for the big day?"

Santa Claus sighs. He's really let himself go. The red suit's got lard and chilli sauce and bits of lettuce all over it. His apron's in a mess and he just looks fed up and like he doesn't want to be serving up kebabs for a living.

"Well," Santa says at last, "the business has gone belly up. With the recession, the credit crunch and all, the toy industry took a beating. I had to lay off some of the elves, make cut backs in quality and we just lost our competitive edge. Plus we wound up the delivery side and subcontracted out to UPS. But... it didn't help. The receivers came in, asset-stripped the business and we went into liquidation."

"Gee," the guy says. "I'm really sorry, it kind of takes the tradition out of Christmas in a way."

"Yeah," says Santa Claus and manages a wan smile. "Well enough of me and my woes. What can I get you?"

The guy says, "I'll have a large Donner."

"Sorry," says Santa. "We're all out of Donner.......Will Blitzen do instead?"

[Bob Garage]

I saw Jonathon Ross in a department store last week.
He was acting suspiciously, looking at the kitchen utensils so I walked up to him and said.... 'You'll probably get caught if you steal anything.'

He replied 'Well, that's the whisk I'm willing to take'

[Bob Garage]

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!