The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'

[Bob Garage]

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'

Paddy replies 'I dont know! It’s your f***ing plane!!'

[Bob Garage]

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'I’m gonna have the day off, I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!'

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

'I can’t work in the friggin’ dark!' says Murphy.

[Bob Garage]

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'

[Bob Garage]

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin’ bed by the looks of it!'

[Bob Garage]

Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?

A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

[Bob Garage]

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

[Bob Garage]

Paddy's chat up lines:

1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just can’t hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

[Bob Garage]

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whos head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said 'I dont think that’s her, she wasnt that tall!'

[Bob Garage]

Paddy & his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours’ dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

Paddy replies 'I’ve put the dog in our garden, let’s see how they like it!'