The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

A lady, who was an avid record collector, heard there was a new recording on the market so she dialed her local record store.
In her haste, she missed dialed the number and got a local bar.
Before the bartender could say the establishment's name, she blurted out "do you have hot lips and seven kisses?"
After a short pause the bartender replied "no, but I have hot balls and seven inches!"
She inquired, "is that a record?"
To which he replied, "no, but it's better than average!"

[Bob Garage]

(Who said Australians weren't romantic?)

Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer.

[Bob Garage]

A Drover walks into a bar with
A pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.

He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal.
I'll open this crocodile's mouth
and place my manhood inside.
Then the croc will close his
mouth for one minute.
'Then he'll open his mouth
And I'll remove my unit unscathed.

In return for witnessing this Spectacle, Each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
Dropped his trousers,
And placed his Johnson
and related parts
in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth
As the crowd gasped.

After a minute,
The man grabbed a beer bottle
and smacked the crocodile
hard on the top of its head.

The croc opened his mouth
And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered,
And the first of his free
Drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again
and made another offer.
'I'll pay anyone $100
who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while,
a hand went up
in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman
timidlySpoke up...........
'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!'

[Bob Garage]

Lawyers should never ask grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness,
an elderly grandmother to the stand.

He approached her and asked; "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said:

"If either of you fuckers asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the
electric chair."

[Bob Garage]

A man starts his new job at London zoo and is given three tasks.


First job is to clear the exotic fishpool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps
out and bites him. To show who it is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.


Realising his employer won't be best pleased , he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is
attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps
with a spade killing them both.


What can he do? Feed them to the lions,he says to himself, because lions eat anything ,so he hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.

As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.


By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage , because lions eat anything.


Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion standing around and says ' So what's the food like here?'


The lion turns around and says :

" Absolutely brilliant - today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees ! '

[Bob Garage]

Not many people know it, but the Devil actually wears a wig. You'd never know if you weren't told - it's a perfect fit. Anyway, down in the world of fire and brimstone one guy did find out, and he decided to have a little practical joke. So one night, he sneaks past the guardian demons and manages to get all the way into Satan's bed chamber, whereupon he steals the hair-piece and makes good his escape.

Well, of course the Devil was most displeased by this, and he rounds up his demons, and demands to know which of them had been so lazy as to let someone sneak past them. Naturally, none of them owns up, which makes him even madder: So he calls a general meeting of everyone the underworld: everyone has to attend.

The meeting is held in a huge cavern, and it's absolutely packed (except for the odd gap in the crowd, where there's a lava-pit or bottomless fissure in the floor). As Satan steps up to speak, everyone sees that he's got no hair, and peals of laughter start echoing out around the hall.

The devil bellows at them to be quiet, and a deadly hush falls.

"Whoever stole it," he shouts, "had better return it immediately!" And here he paused for effect...

"Or else there'll be Hell Toupee!"

[Bob Garage]

Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer. One morning, on
his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, 'The insemination
man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the
2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is
when he gets here, OK?'
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front
door. Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and
when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde,
the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'

That's simple. By the nail over its stall', Maggie explains very confidently .
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'

She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says,
'I guess it's to hang your trousers on.'

[Bob Garage]

A woman and her husband are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her husband into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar: A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
The husband looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. 'First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice.' So, the husband, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue... salty but OK He drinks the shot of Baileys... smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks... this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
In one second the sharp lime taste hits..
At two seconds the Baileys curdles.
At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits.
At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot. This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his wife, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his wife, and says, 'Jesus, what do you call that drink?'
She smiles widely at him and says 'Head Job Revenge.'

[Bob Garage]

Husband and wife are travelling by car from London to Edinburgh when suddenly the weather closed in and it was impossible to drive, so they decide to pull into a hotel and check-in until the conditions improve. They pull off the M6 and find a hostelry nearby a junction, nothing special but it looked clean and well cared for, and after all they were only going to be stopping overnight if the weather cleared.

Luckily, the next morning the snow had stopped and the roads were clear, so they go to check out and the receptionist hands them a bill for £350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the receptionist although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly are not worth £350.00! When the receptionist tells him £350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use. 'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.

'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explained the Manager. He further explains that the hotel has a Michelin-starred restaurant and that guests get a 20% deduction, but the man said they were too tired to even think about eating when they arrived, and again the Manager said, “But you could have...”

The Manager goes on to explain they could have taken in the cabaret for which the hotel is famous. ‘We get the best entertainers from Blackpool, Manchester and even the West End to perform here,’ the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to the cabaret,' complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque.

'But sir,' he says, this cheque is only made out for £50.00.'

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you £300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies, 'she was here and you could have.'

[Bob Garage]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so,
seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to
his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed
and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time,
'Notice anything different NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's
different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'
Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S
HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'
'Nope', she replied
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT
MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,
'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Y'Shoulda bought a hat.'