The Official Joke Thread

[koopee27]

One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out. He opened the door to see his mum bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door. After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her. Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!" Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when it's your mum is it?!"

[Bob Garage]

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check
out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, 'Is this a union house?'

'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn't.'
'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'
'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered

Offended at such unfair dealing s, the union man stomped off down the street
in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued
until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why yes
sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules.'

The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' 'The
girls get $80 and the house gets $20..'
'That's more like it!' the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a
stunningly attractive green-eye d blonde. 'I'd like her,' he said.

I' m sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year
old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and
according to union rules, she's next.'

[Bob Garage]

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by the King and Queen as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio and demanded his 1000 gold coins.

With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick to his chambers!!!

The moral of the story:

Pay your freakin' bills!!!

[Bob Garage]

Do you know what happened thisyear back in 1850, 159 years ago?

California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California today....
Except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

[Bob Garage]

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the
flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John
asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.


SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need
to see your ticket, not your stub.'


SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store bu t
she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do
these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're
dead.'


SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the
officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his wa y without a
ticket.


SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that
read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of
him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the
truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The
truck driver says, 'No, I was del iverin g this bridge and I ran out of gas.'


SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008 !!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class,
I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might
consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death
in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A
smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam
with your other hand.'

[Bob Garage]

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie. The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ' POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming. Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.' POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries. The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.' The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lites a cigar, smiles and says, 'Fill it with water.'

[Bob Garage]

One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a pond.

He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the pond there was a little cocktail sausage.

The cat was feeling quite peckish So since the water wasn't that deep he reached in with his little paw and hooked the sausage out and ate it.


The next day the cat was walking through the park again and he peered into the pond again and saw there was another sausage but this time it was a normal sized one So the cat reached in but this time he had to put his whole arm into the pond.

The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day the cat looked into the pond and found an enormous cumberland sausage at the bottom of the pond. It looked so delicious, but it was so huge that he had to actually
put his whole body into the pond to get the sausage.

He ate it and found it very tasty!


THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS

*

*

*

*
The bigger the Sausage - the wetter the Pussy!!!!

[Bob Garage]

A rabbit walks into a bucher's shop and asks at the desk:
"excuse me, do you have any carrots?"
Of course, the bucher says no.
The next day, the exact same rabbit walks in and asks the bucher if he had any carrots, and the annoyed bucher replies:
"If you ask me if I have any carrots one moe time, I'm gonna nail your ears to the wall"
The next day, the rabbit walks in again and asks the bucher:"Do you have any nails?"
The bucher says no.
"Can I have some Carrots?"

[Bob Garage]

If women are so darn
perfect at multitasking,
how come they can't
have a headache and
sex at the same time?

[Bob Garage]

Ronaldo's crash is surely proof positive that........ applying make up when driving is a very dangerous indeed.