The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist , 'Doc, I'm in one hell of
a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car
waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the
anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done
with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best
golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't
have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!' The
dentist thought to himself, 'My goodness, this is
surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth
pulled without using anything to kill the pain.'
So the dentist asks him, 'Which tooth is it sir?
The man turned to his wife and said, 'Open your
mouth Honey, and Show him.

[Bob Garage]

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with
certain basics.
'How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,' I say.
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asks, 'Your height?' '5 foot 4,' I say.
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'2'.
She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
'Of course it's high!' I scream. 'When I came in here I was tall and
slender! Now I'm short and fat!'
She put me on Prozac. What a bitch.

[Bob Garage]

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being. Anything you want - after all you're the guv'… "
But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other".
"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
"Fish?", queries Noah.
"Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"
"Yep".
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".
"Uh Uh".
"And you want it full of Carp?".
"Ah Ha"
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether…………
(keep going - it's worth waiting for……..)
"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

[Bob Garage]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble "Oh no, my dear," replied granny.
"Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

[Bob Garage]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.


The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather , and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

A ll out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather , and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Mark , it's winter in Pennsylvania and I'm driving the
SALT TRUCK!"

[Bob Garage]

New words from 2008!


* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and
then leaves.

* SALMON DAY..
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
(This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)
* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it
to work again.

* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges
displaying stars that staff at fast-food rest au rants often wear to show
their level of training.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from
the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so
the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
got 4 buttocks

[Bob Garage]

'The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.' - George W. Bush

'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.' - George W. Bush

'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.' -George W. Bush

'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.' - George W. Bush

'The future will be better tomorrow.' - George W. Bush

'We're going to have the best educated American people in the world.' - George W. Bush

'I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.' - George W Bush

'We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe ' - George W. Bush

'Public speaking is very easy.' - George W. Bush

'A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.' - George W. Bush

'I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.' -George Bush

'We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.' - George W. Bush

'For NASA, space is still a high priority.' -George W. Bush

'Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.' -George W. Bush

'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.' - George W. Bush

[Bob Garage]

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.... (this in itself should ring alarm bells).

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'Are you ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why?' says the blonde.
.


"Because I'm the bloody goalie

[Bob Garage]

Due to the credit crunch I have started shopping at cheaper
supermarkets. Has anyone tried the Korean meatballs from Aldi?
They are the dogs' bollocks.

[Bob Garage]

Defence Attorney:

Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:

I am 76 years old.


Defence Attorney:

Will you tell us, in your own words,

What happened the night of April 1st?


Little Old Lady:

There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.


Defence Attorney:

Did you know him?


Little Old Lady:

No, but he sure was friendly.


Little Old Lady:

He started to rub my thigh.


Defence Attorney:

Did you stop him?


Little Old Lady:

No, I didn't stop him.


Defence Attorney:

Why not?


Little Old Lady:

It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 20 years ago.


Defence Attorney:

What happened next?


Little Old Lady:

He began to touch my breasts.


Defence Attorney:

Did you stop him then?


Little Old Lady:

No, I certainly did not!


Defence Attorney:

Whyever not?


Little Old Lady:

His touching made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!


Defence Attorney:

What happened next?


Little Old Lady:

Well, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'


Did he take you?


Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled,'April Fool!'And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.