The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

One winter morning a husband and wife in Portland, Maine were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer Say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through."


So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so The snowplows can get through."


The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"


With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Honey, why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

[Bob Garage]

The Master at Arms noticed a new seaman one day... and barked at him, "Get over here!"

"What is your name?", was the first thing the Chief asked the new sailor.

"Paul", was the reply.

The Chief scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, pansy stuff they're teaching Sailors today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last name only: Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Chief. Do I make myself clear?"

"Aye, aye, Chief!"

"Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new sailor sighed.... and said, "Darling. My name is Paul Darling, Chief!"

"Okay.............. Paul........ here's what I want you to do... "

[Bob Garage]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

[Bob Garage]

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like.."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from
her drawing, the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."

[Bob Garage]

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her dark brown hair.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

[Bob Garage]

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

[Bob Garage]

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."

[Bob Garage]

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE .. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

[Bob Garage]

One Monday morning the UPS guy is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles."Wow. Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,"the UPS man comments.Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We hadabout fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekendfun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."The UPS man thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?""Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."The UPS man laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.""Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up seven times

[Bob Garage]

I used to get confused when I heard these names using the word 'Service'.
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
TV Service
Civil Service
Public Service
Customer Service
This is not what I thought 'service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking; one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.
Suddenly it all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those 'Service' Agencies are doing to us.
I hope you are now as enlightened as I am.