The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

'If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

[chinarider]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips and you'll will have to satisfy her sexual urges. In addition, you'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshitting' me!" The Social Worker says, "Yeah, but....you started it."

[slayerdiabolus]

Now this just says something about our Police Force

http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/fro ... 18104.html
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/northern_ireland/7899171.stm

[Bob Garage]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
‘Eight' the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one.'

[Bob Garage]

This really is a true story of the couple in Romania has named their baby "Yahoo" because they met on the Yahoo! Web site, in the personal ads. I'm sure the kid will grow eternally grateful that Mummy and Daddy didn't meet on the 'Big-knockered-birds-seek-sex' website!

[Bob Garage]

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael,
were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape
from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions,
Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear,
he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth..
This particular genie, however,
stated that he could only deliver one wish,
not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter,
Patrick blurted out,
"Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash,
and immediately the entire sea turned into
the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull
broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick
whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going Patrick!
Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!

[slayerdiabolus]

[Bob Garage]

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50
HAND JOB: $500.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers. 'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?' 'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs? ''Yes", she smiles and purrs, "I sure am".
The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands real good because I want a cheeseburger.'

[Bob Garage]

Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when the male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father five years ago. Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says to the female, "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about killing innocent whales." The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly. Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either swimming or using lifeboats. Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells, "They're going to shore - Let's go gobble them up!" Just then, the female whale becomes less cooperative: "HEY!", she says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!"

[Bob Garage]

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun. He shouts, "This is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer and shouts, "Did anybody else here see my face?" The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him too.
"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner:
"I think my missus caught a glimpse....'"