The Official Joke Thread

[MetDream]

My buddy Kelly does these one liners at work all day long, this is the latest:
Q: How many jacks (those little toys) could you fit in a 55 gallon barrel?
(Whatever the answer is...your response is)
A: You're close, but you're just one jackoff

BWHAHAHAHAH good one bro

I agree that made me laugh.

Here's one worth a chuckle:

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.

In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit.

After fifty, they are like onions." Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of willies are there?

"The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In a man's twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree "A Christmas tree?"


"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only"

[flickn]

I got this off of METCLUB , pretty damn funny

Never Choke in a Southern Restaurant

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk
about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman who is eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to
cough and choke. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya
swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins
to turn blue and shake her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with
his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction
flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks

slowly back to the bar.

His partner says "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver',
but I ain't never seed nobody do it."

[flickn]

next time a freind of yours brags to you for the hundreth time cause he has seen the beattles at candlestick , reply with this ,.....Well I saw Jesus preach from the mound

[flickn]

[MetDream]

Football FINALLY makes sense.......... A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

[flickn]

good one !!!

[Bob Garage]

Let the Alcohol do the talking...

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards
and all of their hopes and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they
might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to
myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come
true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When
we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go
to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory
to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move
as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed
and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of
the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only
operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of
alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the
slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption
of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster
and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a
few beers."

[Bob Garage]

Irish Airways:

As they approached Dublin main runway, the tower heard:

PILOT - Bjeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat runway is?

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy

PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus!

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy !!

PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse!!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat !!

PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down!!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat, too !!

PILOT - An den stamp an de brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de
Holy Mudder a Gad !!!

CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can.


So, as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse,
puts the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the
Holy Mother with all his soul. The brakes screehced, the tyres
squealed, and there was smoke everywhere, but, to the relief of all the
passengers, and, not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came
to a stop but a few metres from the end of the runway!!!

As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure, Paddy
looked out of the window and said to Shamus,

"Dat has gat ta be de shartist fookin runway in de world!"

Shamus replied, "Yes, but da ya see how fookin wide it is?"

[Bob Garage]

WHY WORLD PEACE IS TOUGH!

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the American, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it. When the American returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."

Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the American's other shoe and spat in it.

When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes."

World peace is tough!

[Bob Garage]

Excerpts from the Edinburgh Fringe 2005


I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms


Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

- Jimmy Carr


The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

- Chris Addison at the Pleasance


My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

- Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon


The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh*tting herself.

- Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance


My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

- Susan Murray at the Underbelly


Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

- Adam Bloom at the Pleasance


You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening..Self-raising?"

- Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms


I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

- Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron


I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork...

- Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco


Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.

- Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance


Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

- Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms


Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.

- Brendon Burns at the Pleasance


I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"

- Norman Lovett at The Stand


It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

- Chris Addison at the Pleasance


I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.

- Arnold Brown at The Stand


If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

- Milton Jones at the Underbelly.