The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. He asks the man his name.
"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.

The officer's in a good mood, doesn't smell alcohol, and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So the officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me."
"I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I'm just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

[Bob Garage]

An old fellow was celebrating 92 years on this Earth. He spoke to his toes. "Hello, toes!" he said, "How are you, toes? You know, you are 92 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember we walked in the park in summer every Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance floor?
Happy Birthday, toes!"

"Hello, knees," he continued. "How are you, knees? You know you're 92 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday knees!"

Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! You little
bugger, if you were alive today, you'd be 92!

[Bob Garage]

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'. St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'

'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'. 'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.' 'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'
'Where's George W Bush's clock?' asked the man. St Peter replied, 'Jesus has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.'

[Bob Garage]

Me, yes me scammed – of all people. Here’s what happened.

I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping.
Simply dropping into Sainsbury's at Winnersh has turned out to be quite
traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or one
of your friends. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking
voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing
your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen.
Their large firm young assets almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.
It's impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask
you for a lift to another store, in my case, Asda at Lower Earley. You agree
and they both get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing, and
both get completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of
them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap,
kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you,
while the other one steals your wallet!


I had my wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th,
24th, and 29th. Also April 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times last
Saturday and very likely again this coming weekend.


So Be Warned!

P.S. Sainsburys have wallets on sale for £1.99 each, Asda are £1.75 and
look better.

Mick

[Bob Garage]

An Italian, a Scotsman and aChinese man, are hired at a Construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, “You're in charge of sweeping.”

To the Scotsman he says, “You're in charge of shovelling.”

And to the Chinese guy, “You're in charge of supplies.”

He then says, “Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.”
So when the foremanreturns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, “Why didn't you sweep any of it?”

The Italian replies, “I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.”

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says “And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.”

The Scotsman replies, “Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither.”

The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.
Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells,“SUPPLIES !!!!”

[Bob Garage]

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation
has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie
and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do
not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and
ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is
a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel
glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.


Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a
runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice
quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple
of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation
roared.

[Bob Garage]

A beautiful woman went to see a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the stunning woman and all his professionalism went out of the window.


He told her to get undressed.


After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her,
'Do you know what I am doing?'


'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.'


'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts.
'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked.


'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.'


'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having
sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
'Do you know what I am doing now?'


'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting the Clap, which is why I came here in the first place.'

[Bob Garage]

No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man. The game warden asked him how he did it so the man told the game warden that he would take him fishing the next day ...

Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started picking up the fish.

The game warden told him that this was illegal.

The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said "Are you going to fish or talk?"

[Bob Garage]

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes.... My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex.. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke.....

[Bob Garage]

A deer hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decide to take a leak.

He walked over to a tree and propped up his shotgun.Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by the doctor, who said, "Well, Sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're going to be okay. The damage was local to your groin. There was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all the buckshot."

"The bad news is that there was some pretty intensive buckshot damage done to your penis.

I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the deer hunter replied. Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Phoenix Symphony. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."