The Official Joke Thread

[Guitarjon]

An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the
First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and
it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along. After thirty
minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese." The First
Officer replies: "Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?" "Your people bombed
Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese." "Nooooo, noooo, Chinese
not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese." "Chinese, Japanese,
Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike." Another thirty
minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says: "No like
Jew." "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" "Jews sink Titanic." "The
Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg,
Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all da same."

[Guitarjon]

ok one more hehehehehe

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching
Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's
name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they
stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we
order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please
pronounce where we are... very slowly?
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr,
Kiiiing."

[Guitarjon]

ok I just found another one, probably the shortest on this site, but the best....
WARNING male only hehehehe


How long does it take for a woman to orgasm?

Who cares?

[Guitarjon]

dudes, I'm cracking up here hahahahaha, damn this is funny:

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned
to an attendant standing nearby.
"This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those
hideous representations you call modern art?"
"No, madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."

[Guitarjon]

another classic all male one....hehehehehe


if at first you dont succeed...

buy her another drink

[Bob Garage]

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a really nasty call from the contractor who installed them.

He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that "in ONE YEAR these windows will pay for themselves"!

Helllooooo? It's been a year, I told him!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.

He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

[Bob Garage]

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

[Bob Garage]

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers An fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when he graduaided and still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin"... "What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"

[Bob Garage]

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

' If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into Heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'No!' By now I was starting to smile

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'No!' I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, 'Then how can I get into Heaven?'

A six year-old boy shouted out "YUV GOTTA BE FooKN' DEAD

[Bob Garage]

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The man, being a little hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him,
"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS"