The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --


Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

[Bob Garage]

A man is walking along Jalan Bukit Bintang, in Kuala Lumpur one night and a very gorgeous girl catches his eye.

He strikes up a conversation with her, and quickly discovers that she is one of those "exclusive" ladies-of-the-trade.

"How much do you charge?", asks Gurdial Singh

Mary replies, "It starts at 500 ringgit for a hand-job."

Gurdial says, "500 ringgit for a hand-job? No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

With a saucy flick of her eyelashes, Mary says, "Do you see that Mary Restaurant on the corner?"

Yes."

"Do you see the next Mary's about another block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see the third Mary's, just by the side of the old Cathay cinema?"

"Yes."

"Well," says Mary, smiling invitingly, "I own those.

And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth 500 ringgit."

Gurdial then exclaims, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."

They retire to the nearby Marriott Hotel.

A short time later, Mr Gurdial Singh is sitting on the bed realising that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of 500 ringgit.

He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is 1,000 ringgit?"

Mary replies,"RM1,500."

I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

Mary then says, while signalling Gurdial to come closer to her.

"Come closer to this window, big boy. Do you see that bank just across the junction to Jalan Sultan Ismail?

I own that bank outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every sen of 1,500 ringgit !"

And poor Gurdial, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off his intended new mobile phone and says, "Give it to me !!!"

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.

Mr Singh can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.

He decides to dip into what else he may have left with him for one more glorious and unforgettable experience.

He then asks Mary,"How much for some pussy?"

Mary replies, "Come over here to this other window, I want to show you something.

Do you see how the whole city of Kuala Lumpur is laid out before us ..... all those beautiful lights, banks .... corporate offices .... business houses ..... and big-&-small shops and places?"

"Wowwww !!" Gurdial shouts out in awe, "You own the whole city ??"

"No," Mary replies, "but I would if I had a pussy

[Bob Garage]

A blonde woman gives birth to a baby; afterwards the doctor comes into the room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child ..."
The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, "What's wrong with it?"
The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! It's a hermaphrodite."
The woman looks confused. "A hermaphrodite, what's that?"
The doctor replies, "It has both features of a male and a female."
The blonde looks relieved. "What? You mean it has a penis and a brain?"

[GersTheGod]

An drunk man was walking dizzy in the streets on evening when he sees an nurse walk right next to him, Them suddenly he nears the nurse and start to punch and kick her. After that, when the nurse was down, the drunk says: "I'm very disapointed, i hoped more from you, Batman!"

[Bob Garage]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book and noticed
he had his collar on backwards. The
little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of
many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds' and
went back to reading his book.
.
.
.
.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom
and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'

[Bob Garage]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'

The wife smiles demurely and says,
'Well dear you should be thankful your radardetector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,

'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'


The officer frowns and says,
'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'


The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'


And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,

'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'


The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'


'Only when he's been drinking.!!'

[damageinc]

A few weird sport pics what I came across somewhere.

[no leaf clover]

Where did you find these??? There quite funny