A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying,
'All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop. And all you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your arses in the train, 'cause we're going down the tracks.'
The horrified mother went in and told her son,
'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.'
She hears the little boy continue
'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
As the mother began to smile, the child added,
'For those of you who are pissed off about the two-hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.'
The Official Joke Thread
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Forum Specific Rules
General Chat. Thats the theme here. Where it wont go anywhere else, it should go here. Everything goes as long as its allowed.
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Bob Garage
- Stone Cold Poster
- Posts: 4044
- Joined: Mon Jul 14, 2003 2:48 pm
- Location: Telford, UK
- Country: Wales
Re: The Official Joke Thread
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!
-
flickn
Re: The Official Joke Thread
dumd blonde jokes :
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?"
Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!
Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?
A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.
Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?"
Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!
Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?
A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.
Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
-
Bob Garage
- Stone Cold Poster
- Posts: 4044
- Joined: Mon Jul 14, 2003 2:48 pm
- Location: Telford, UK
- Country: Wales
Re: The Official Joke Thread
A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real
distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next
table turned to look at her.
Kin ya swaller? asked Kenzie.
The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.
Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian.
The woman, beginning to turn blue with eyes popping rapidly shook
her head 'No!!!'.
With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her skirt
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and
down the crack of her arse.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the
obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breath again.
Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody
Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody
do it."
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real
distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next
table turned to look at her.
Kin ya swaller? asked Kenzie.
The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.
Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian.
The woman, beginning to turn blue with eyes popping rapidly shook
her head 'No!!!'.
With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her skirt
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and
down the crack of her arse.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the
obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breath again.
Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody
Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody
do it."
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!
-
Bob Garage
- Stone Cold Poster
- Posts: 4044
- Joined: Mon Jul 14, 2003 2:48 pm
- Location: Telford, UK
- Country: Wales
Re: The Official Joke Thread
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
3. She is not BLONDE - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
7. She is not HORNY - She is S*XUALLY FOCUSED.
8. She does not have BRE*ST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SL*T - She is S*XUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY
SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID STORAGE
FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He is GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops RECTAL CRANIAL
INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
10. He is not a W*NKER - He is an OWNER OPERATOR
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
3. She is not BLONDE - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
7. She is not HORNY - She is S*XUALLY FOCUSED.
8. She does not have BRE*ST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SL*T - She is S*XUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY
SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID STORAGE
FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He is GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops RECTAL CRANIAL
INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
10. He is not a W*NKER - He is an OWNER OPERATOR
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!
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SKOM666
- Some Kind Of Post Whore
- Posts: 27
- Joined: Fri Sep 23, 2005 5:24 pm
- Country: United Kingdom
Re: The Official Joke Thread
Bad humor I know but quite funny!
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frantik2k3
- That Was Just Your Thousandth Post
- Posts: 2330
- Joined: Mon Jun 16, 2003 4:41 am
- Location: New Hampshire, USA
- Country: United States
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Bob Garage
- Stone Cold Poster
- Posts: 4044
- Joined: Mon Jul 14, 2003 2:48 pm
- Location: Telford, UK
- Country: Wales
Re: The Official Joke Thread
Unhappy Am I
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Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!
-
Bob Garage
- Stone Cold Poster
- Posts: 4044
- Joined: Mon Jul 14, 2003 2:48 pm
- Location: Telford, UK
- Country: Wales
Re: The Official Joke Thread
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!
-
Bob Garage
- Stone Cold Poster
- Posts: 4044
- Joined: Mon Jul 14, 2003 2:48 pm
- Location: Telford, UK
- Country: Wales
Re: The Official Joke Thread
Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the @rse are interchangeable.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the @rse are interchangeable.
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!
-
Bob Garage
- Stone Cold Poster
- Posts: 4044
- Joined: Mon Jul 14, 2003 2:48 pm
- Location: Telford, UK
- Country: Wales
Re: The Official Joke Thread
A young blonde Portsmouth girl, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off Gunwharf Quay.
As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed
her as he strolled by. "You're not thinking of jumping, are you babes?"
he
asked.
"Yes, I am." replied the sobbing girl.
Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the
edge.
"Look, nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what; I'm sailing off for
America tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life
over there? I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring
you
food and water every night and I'll look after you if you look after me
-
if you know what I mean You just have to keep very quiet so that you
won't
be found".
The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the sailor sneaked her
on
board that very night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor came to her
lifeboat
every night, bringing food and water, and making love to her until dawn.
Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine
inspection of the ship and its lifeboats.
He peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded an
explanation. The girl came clean, "I've stowed away to get to America.
One
of the sailors is helping me out, he set me up in here and brings me
food
and water every night . and he's screwing me."
The puzzled captain stared at her for a moment before a grin cracked his
face and he replied, "He certainly is pet. This is the Isle of Wight
Ferry!"
As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed
her as he strolled by. "You're not thinking of jumping, are you babes?"
he
asked.
"Yes, I am." replied the sobbing girl.
Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the
edge.
"Look, nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what; I'm sailing off for
America tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life
over there? I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring
you
food and water every night and I'll look after you if you look after me
-
if you know what I mean You just have to keep very quiet so that you
won't
be found".
The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the sailor sneaked her
on
board that very night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor came to her
lifeboat
every night, bringing food and water, and making love to her until dawn.
Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine
inspection of the ship and its lifeboats.
He peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded an
explanation. The girl came clean, "I've stowed away to get to America.
One
of the sailors is helping me out, he set me up in here and brings me
food
and water every night . and he's screwing me."
The puzzled captain stared at her for a moment before a grin cracked his
face and he replied, "He certainly is pet. This is the Isle of Wight
Ferry!"
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!