The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

How to Post in a Forum:-

http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/posting.html

[Bob Garage]

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

(Must be read Out Loud)


1. That’s not right Sum Ting Wong

2. Are you harbouring a fugitive Hu Yu Hai Ding

3. See me ASAP Kum Hia

4. Stupid man Dum Fuk

5. Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni

6. Did you go to the beach Wai Yu So Tan

7. I bumped the coffee table Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

8. I think you need a face lift Chin Tu Fat

9. It’s very dark in here Wai So Dim

10. I thought you were on a diet Wai Yu Mun Ching

11. This is a tow away zone No Pah King

12. Our meeting is scheduled for next week. Wai Yu Kum Nao

13. Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo

14. He’s cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka

15. Your body odour is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu

16. Great Fa Kin Su Pah

[Bob Garage]

How do you know you have Bird Flu

.......You can't stop talking when the footy's on the tele.

[Bob Garage]

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team sacked its entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from Liverpool.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Liverpool area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than six seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in eight seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment. Prime Minister Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management, which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now have the advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session the Liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tyres in under six seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren Team for eight bottles of Stella, a kilo of speed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.

[Bob Garage]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

You're going to love this....................


Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

[Bob Garage]

Martha vs Maxine

Martha's Way
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Maxine's Way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!

Martha's
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Maxine's
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix, keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Maxine's
Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
Maxine's
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"

Martha's
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
Maxine's
Celery? Never heard of it!

Martha's
Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Maxine's
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.

Martha's
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Maxine's
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

Martha's
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Maxine's
Go ask that very cute neighbour if he can open it for you.

Martha's
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Maxine's
Leftover wine??????????? HELLO !!!!!!!

[Bob Garage]

Did you see that thing about clubbers in the papers yesterday? Aparently the new craze is to fill a woman's vagina with vodka and then drink it with a straw. The government though have sent out warnings over the dangers of minge drinking!!!

[Bob Garage]

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww what's wrong with your feet?

Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing when the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.

"What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess .

Smallcox?"

[Snow]

David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skillfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.

Victoria admiringly watches her husband. After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop. Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horse's neck.

David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!!!!

Hearing her screams, the Tesco Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.

[Bob Garage]

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy
Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the
table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing
standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell
Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be
discreet but gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is
me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy
answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost
$500 and is afraid to come home"

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.