The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

Some people are like Slinkies...

Not really good for anything...

But they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

[Bob Garage]

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God She asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days
to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and
have a Facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so
much more time to live, she figured she might as well make
the most of it. After her last operation, She was released
from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way Home,
she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I
had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the
path of the ambulance?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

[MetDream]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you
all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to
go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.


The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask


"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.
Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her
and says.......


"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid
by 1,400 men in 6 months."

[Bob Garage]

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the restroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all of the girls to the restroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how! difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of them. He took a long handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.

[Bob Garage]

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about
Nurse Nancy.

'She's incredibly mixed up,' said one doctor. 'She does everything
absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2
milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams
every 2 hours. He almost died on us!'

The second doctor said, 'That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told
her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give
him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!'

Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall.

'Oh my Lord!' said the first doctor, holding his head. 'I just realized
I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!'

[Bob Garage]

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because
you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one
wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will
nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard
for Me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more
time and think of something that would honour and glorify Me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord,I
wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels
inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why
she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can
make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[Bob Garage]

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks,

"Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drink right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife,

"Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

[Bob Garage]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

[Bob Garage]

Need to buy a box for your cock?

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/03/31/ebay_box_sale/

[Bob Garage]

A South African gold miner loses his leg in a mining accident and is sat in hospital talking to his mate.

"Well that's me f*$k*d, who on earth's going to want a one legged gold digger?"

His mate replies "Well, you could try Paul McCartney"