The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Charles, are in California. Charles always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated Charles storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looks up and says, "Charles, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.

Furious, Charles yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope". She replies.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"

To which Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Charles. Shoulda bought a hat."

[Bob Garage]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade
name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a
generic name of
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil
is also call
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for
Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it
recently announced that
it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were
Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and
of course, Ibepokin.


Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be
available in liquid
form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power
beverage suitable for
use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself
a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a
soft drink, and it
gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails",
"highballs" and just a good
old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new
concoction by the
name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent
on breast implants and Viagra today than on
Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2040, there should be a large
elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections
and absolutely no recollection of what to do with
them.

[Bob Garage]

Life

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

[Bob Garage]

The EU are doing a survey on penis size,

the british government have offered to help and have asked all males with a penis size of under 3 inches to display a white flag with a red cross on their cars!

[Bob Garage]

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff. As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... "> The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit," said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

[Bob Garage]

Dear Abby,

I have been so very blessed throughout my life over the years. Great parents, great wife, and kids, nice house, a great job, and a great education.

When I finally semi-retired, I could hardly wait to spend all my time just enjoying my favorite pastime, bass fishing on
Lake Erie.
I even got my own little fishing boat and tried my best to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.

Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam, the shop owner, who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies.
As I said before, the wife just doesn't care a thing about my
Bass fishing: she not only refuses to join us, she also complains that I spend too much time Bass fishing.

A few weeks ago Sam and I had just the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother!
So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested.

Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing anymore at all! -- Ever!!!
And to top that off, she wants me to sell the boat!
I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself at all.

What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?


Thanks,


A fisherman
P.S. I have enclosed the picture of Sam showing off the bass that we caught.





Dear Fisherman,
Get rid of the wife!

Best regards,
Abby

[Bob Garage]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare,
I'd really rather have a job.

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We
have just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all your clothes.
In view of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort his daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll be provided with a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.
The starting salary is £40,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"


The social worker says, "Yeah, well... You started it."

[Bob Garage]

Forgive me Father..

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it
has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie
Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three
'Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two
months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice
a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his
sermon when a gorgeous, slim , blonde woman enters the church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and
sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with
matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the
woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie
Green?"

The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off
her shoes!"

[Bob Garage]

It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the
Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know
it's important but it's only England. They're sh*te and we can't be
bothered."

Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by
myself-you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the
Brazilian team go off for a few beers.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the
landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen
reads "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating
England all by himself!

Anyway, a few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone
remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They
put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium 'Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1
(Lampard 89 minutes)."

They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against
England!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him
in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his
hands weeping inconsolably.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And
they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, no, I have, I've let you down...I got sent off after 12 minutes."

[Bob Garage]

There was a guy in a pub one night who got really drunk, I mean really,really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the pavement. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.

Shocked, the nun felt her knees go beneath her but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the arse, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.

By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much. Then
he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and
said ................


"NOT VERY STRONG TONIGHT, ARE YOU BATMAN?"