The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

Marriage - The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an
early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am" He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

[Bob Garage]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
2 litres of low fat milk
a carton of eggs
2 litres of orange juice
a head of lettuce
half a dozen tomatoes
a 500g jar of coffee
a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, A drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated "You
must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she
was intrigued by The derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing Particularly unusual
about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital
status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[Bob Garage]

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the Devil
is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the Devil.
"You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have
to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got
3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them
go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who
leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The
devil opened the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept
resurfacing over and over and over, gasping for air. Such was his fate
in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and
don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room.
In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time, and
more rocks appeared. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I
would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!"
commented George.

The devil opened a third door.
In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his
arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush
looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, Yeah, I can
handle this.

" The devil smiled and said... "Monica, you're free to go!"

[Bob Garage]

a not so devastated widow, came home from the crem and sprinkled her husbands ashes out on the table

wiping her eyes, she gently spoke to him
"james .... i know you wanted to give me things in life and couldnt ..."
sniff
"so with your insurance money i bought the diamond necklace you always promised me"

she neatly scraped him into a neater circle on the table

sniff
"james darling" .... she whispered softly
"with your insurance money i bought that fur coat you always promised me"

she very gently took a palm full of ashes and as a tear dropped onto the,

with a snuffle ...
"james .... you know that blow job i promised you when i had my coat and necklace

look out honey here it comes!!!!!!!!!!"

whohoooooooooooooooooooooo

[BMR]

This is not really a joke, but too funny not to be posted!

http://www.fanpop.com/spots/viral-videos/links/298

[MetDream]

You know that was so dumb that I had to show it to my teenage son while he was eating breakfast this morning. He quite enjoyed it.

[Leighton]

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=122364

Look at the ad next to the headline.

[Danallica]

This is not really a joke, but too funny not to be posted!

http://www.fanpop.com/spots/viral-videos/links/298

holy crap I havent laughed like that for ages

When that guy gets three in a row, fuck hahaha

[lechilka26]

Sorry for this offtopic but it's damn funny )) I could not hold it!

Why it is good to be a man?

1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work .. more pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. One mood, ALL the damn time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.
26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me.".
27. No maxi-pads.
28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

i think its the best joke!

[MetDream]

It is good to be a woman:
01. We got off the Titanic first.
02. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynaecological disorder excuses.
03. Taxis stop for us.
04. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
05. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
06. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
07. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
08. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her rear end.
09. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.