The Official Joke Thread

[even13flow]

This is not really a joke, but too funny not to be posted!

http://www.fanpop.com/spots/viral-videos/links/298

I laughed at that one for a long time too. I wish we could get a show like that here in the US.

[sjmike]

> The Purina Diet
>
>
> I was buying a large bag of Purina dog food at Wal-Mart and was in line
> to
> check out.
>
> The woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
>
> On impulse, I told her no, and that I was starting The Purina Diet
> again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
> hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in the
> Intensive Care Unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs
> in both arms.
>
> I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
> it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
> eat one or two every time you feel hungry. Since the food is
> nutritionally complete and perfectly healthy, I decided to try it again.
>
> I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
> enthralled with my story, just hanging on my every word, particularly
> the guy behind the woman I was describing the diet to.
>
> Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
> food poisoned me.
>
> I said " No, I was sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit
> me."

[Bob Garage]

topical, and funny (IMO)

some of you may be slightly offended, appologies in advance if you are.

[angelicupstart]

How many Emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
None - they would rather sit in the dark and cry.


Did you hear about the new Emo pizza?
It cuts itself.


How do you get an Emo out of a tree?
Cut the rope.


How many Emo's does it take to decorate a wall?
Depends how hard you throw them.


What's better than 50 emo kids nailed to a tree?
One emo kid nailed to fifty trees.

What do you say when 1,00 Emo's are running through town?
Cliff's this way.

[Bob Garage]

Last night my girlfriend called me a paedophile.

I said to her 'That's a big word for a 9 year old'.

[Bob Garage]

Stephen Spielberg is casting for a new film based around the great composers. To give the film a twist and some "oomph" he decides to cast the parts to the great action heroes of today.

He calls Stallone, Arnie, Bruce Willis and Steven Seagal into his office to hear who they would like to play.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favourite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

So Arnold says ...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Wait for it, its a beauty...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "I'll be Bach."

[Bob Garage]

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of booze is no longer "pretty good shit."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh shit what the hell happened?"

Bonus:
26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

[Fadingtoblack]

It's been a while sorry, but at least here's a short one for now


She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walks in. She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me --this very
moment."

His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen
table.

Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"

She explains, "The egg timer's broken."

[Doin]

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Morrisson's supermarket with her two kids, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Countdown. Nice children
you've got there - are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl, "Of course they
bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell
would you think they're twins? Do you think they look alike, ya dickead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter. "I just can't believe anyone would
f*ck you twice!"

[ChiTallica]

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the bottle opener."

"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."

Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"

Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.

Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........

"I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!"