The Official Joke Thread

[ChiTallica]

Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were.
The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it."

And with that he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"

The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to f*ck the cat!"

[Fadingtoblack]

Racist joke warning!

Two Aboriginal lads are riding along the Hume Highway on a motorbike.

Their motorbike breaks down and they start hitching a lift.

A friendly truckie stops to see if he can help and the Aboriginals ask him for a lift

He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but he will
take a look at the bike for them.

He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it.

Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the Aboriginals he has
to leave.

"Heeeeyyy maaate" they say "gissa pucken lift".

The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.

The Aboriginals put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he
agree to take them and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the
driver shuts the doors and sets off on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.

Sure enough the coppers pull him up for speeding.

The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Aboriginal Eggs.

The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so he wants to take a look.

He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it .

He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.

The Officer replies: "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Aboriginal eggs in it - 2 have
hatched and the bastards have managed to steal a motorbike already".

[fallingsand]

what has seven arms , and sucks....


Def leopard !

[Doin]

Q. What's green and has 7 arseholes?
A. A blackjack table.

Anyone who has worked in a casino will appreciate that one...

[Kathlib the Prophet]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, “My hands are freezing cold.” The mother replied, “Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.” The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, “My hands are freezing cold. The girl replied, “Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.” He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, “My nose is cold.” The girl replied “Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.” He did and warmed his nose.

The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, “My penis is frozen solid…”

Following this day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she asks, “Have you ever heard of a penis?” Concerned the mother said, “Why, yes why do you ask?” The daughter replies, “They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don’t they!!!

[Doin]

Getting back at telemarketers...

needs sound

http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/

[Luís]

one of the funniest stuff I've heard in years. Excellent!

[Bob Garage]

NEW YORK, NY - A public school teacher was arrested today at John F.
Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a
calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did
not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying
weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by
means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of
absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to
themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common
denominator of the axis of medieval evil with coordinates in every
quadrant. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are
three sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have
given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they
could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the
president.

[drummergirl]

My favorite cheesiest joke.....


Two men walked into a bar...the third one ducked

[Mr.Metal]

Getting back at telemarketers...

needs sound

http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/

Hahaha that was BRILLIANT!!