The Official Joke Thread

[frantik2k3]

Getting back at telemarketers...

needs sound

http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/

I have not checked out this topic in a long while and I sure am glad I stumbled across this one.

Hahaha that was awesome

[Sats]

My favorite cheesiest joke.....


Two men walked into a bar...the third one ducked

i know simillar but i am not sure if you will undestand it.
i tried to explain it to one english guy and he couldnt understand it.

so

"two men walked and the medial fell"

[Doin]

OFFICE KOMBAT

http://www.softwarelord.com/software/Co ... ombat.html

[Danallica]

Say 'Give me your mobile' in an Asian accent, haha, classic

[Fadingtoblack]

A son asked his mother the following question:

"Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends and relatives
that your bride is pure."

Then he decided to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,

"Son, all household appliances are white."

[Doin]

> Kulula is an airline with head office situated in Johannesburg. Kulula
> airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture"
>
> and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples
> that
> have been heard or reported:
>
>
>
> On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you
> want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a
> flight
> attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here,
> find a seat and get in it!"
>
> On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot
> said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be
> turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
> the
> appearance of your flight attendants."
>
> On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
> belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
>>something we'd like to have."
>
> "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
> of
> this airplane."
>
> "Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business
> as
> much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
>
> As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport, a lone
> voice
> came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
>
> After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a
> flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the
> overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell
> everything has shifted."
>
> From a Kulula employee: "Welcome aboard Kulula 245 to Calgary. To operate
> your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It
> works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to
> operate
> one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
>
> "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from
> the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
> If
> you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before
> assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small
> child, pick your favourite."
>
> Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
> we'll
> try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
> loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."
>
> "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an
> emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
> compliments."
>
> "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
> Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
> attendants.. Please do not leave children or spouses."
>
> And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased
> to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the
> industry.
> Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
>
> Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town:
> The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a
> bump,
> and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
> airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault - It was the runway asphalt !
>
>>Overheard on an Kulula flight into Cape Town, on a particularly windy and
> bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to
> fight
> it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies
> and
> Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with
> your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
> airplane
> to the gate!"
>
> Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
> you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
> terminal."
>
> An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
> ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
> the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile,
> and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of
> his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
>>thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
> Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with
> a
> cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
> "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady
> said,
> "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
>
> After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg, the attendant came on
> with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain
> Crash
> and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
> gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
> silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the
> wreckage to the terminal."
>
> Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
> folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
> urge
> to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
> you'll
> think of Kulula Airways."
>
> Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke,
> the
> smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light 'em,
> you
> can smoke 'em."
>
> A plane was taking off from Durban Airport. After it reached a
> comfortable
> cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
> "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight
> Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town, The weather ahead is good
> and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit
> back
> and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the
> captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so
> sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight
> attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should
> see the front of my pants
> A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You
> should see the back of mine!
>
>

[Bob Garage]

Invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation last
weekend in Arizona, President Bush spoke for almost an hour of his
future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of
living.

Though vague on the details of his plan, he appeared enthusiastic about
his ideas for helping his "red brothers."

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the President with
a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name -- 'Walking Eagle'.

As the President departed, waving to the crowd in his motorcade, a news
reporter asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name
given to the President. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name
given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

[Danallica]

hahahahahahahahaha

[Danallica]

You've probably seen this before

[Snow]

A recent study asked a group of women if their c*nt twitched after sex....

...98% said that he usually just lay there!