The Official Joke Thread

[Snow]

A woman standing nude looks in a mirror and says to her husband
"I look horrible, fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment"

Husband thinks for a couple of seconds and replies
"Your eyesights fucking spot on!"

[Snow]

A man gets a £50 note tattooed on his cock.
His wife asks "Why have you done that?"
He replies
"1, I like to see my money grow;
2, I like to play with my money;
3, I like having money in my hand
and last but not least, The next time you want to blow fifty quid you can stay right at home to do it!"

[Snow]

Viagra is now available in powder form so you can add it to your tea and coffee.
It doesn't do anything for your erections but it does stop your biscuits from going soft!!!

[Snow]

A visitor to a mental institution asked the director how he decided which patients should be kept in.
The director said "We fill up a bath, then offer the patient a teaspoon, a teacup or a bucket and ask them to empty the bath tub"
The visitor said "Oh I see, a normal person would choose the bucket because its biggest"
"No" said the director, "A normal person would just pull the plug out! now would you like a bed near to the window?"

[Snow]

Teacher:
John, why is your cat at school today?

John (crying): I heard the postman tell my mom "when the kid goes to school I'm gonna eat your pussy!"

[Snow]

RACIST ALERT: You have been warned!

A muslim woman knocked on my door last night, I never opened the door though, I just shouted through the letter box.....see how she fucking likes it!

Note: probably more funny to the brits than the rest of you cos of the current "veil" debates going on!

[Snow]

A family are driving behind a dustcart when a dildo flies out and hits the windscreen.
Embarassed, and to protect her young sons innocence, the woman says it was an insect, to which one of her boys replied "I'm surprised it can fly with a cock that big!"

[Danallica]

Post enough jokes their man?

This one made me laugh for about 16hrs, just pure fucken classic.

]

[Doin]

This was probably set up but it's still funny.

http://www.geocities.com/dion_cohen/moderator.jpg

[Luís]

Awesome!

Thanks a lot to all of the guys putting stuff in here and making me laugh almost every day.