The Official Joke Thread

[MetDream]

Luis... I am glad that you can come to MetPage and find a reason to laugh.

I hope this isnt too bad....

ONIONS AND CHRISTMAS TREES

A family is at the dinner table.

The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of
breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and
firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions".

"Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how
many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes
through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and
hard.

In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration

[MetDream]

This Explains It All...

A lot of folks can't understand

how we came to have

an oil shortage here in our country .

~~~

Well, there's a very simple answer.

~~~

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

~~~

We just didn't know we were getting low.

~~~

The reason for that is purely geographical.

~~~

Our OIL is located in

~~~

ALASKA

~~~

California

~~~

Coastal Florida

~~~

Coastal Louisiana

~~~

Kansas

~~~

Oklahoma

~~~

Pennsylvania

and

~~~

Texas


~~~

Our

DIPSTICKS

are located in

Washington DC

Any Questions?

[MetDream]

THE KING'S TROUBLE

Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter,

The PRINCESS.

But, there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what: metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,

"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands,

She will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.


The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He, too, was sent away disappointed.


The third prince approached. He told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!


The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess, and they both lived happily ever after.

What was in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)


M&M's, of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking???

[Sats]

The Italian Man Who went to Malta

Youtube

If it already is somewhere here then sorry

[MetDream]

I got sent this in an email and thought it interesting:

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM


ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER


DESPERATION:When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS


SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME


ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT


THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

[Fadingtoblack]

Time to bring this back...

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish
you were married, or wish you weren't married, this
is something to smile about the next time you see a
bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's
a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said:

"Good trade....."

[MetDream]

The Brothel


The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.


"May I help you?" she asked.


"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.


"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," he replied.


Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.


The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.


Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.


The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.


After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.


The man replied, "South Carolina."


"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."


"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."


The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:


1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[MetDream]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and
had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed
him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while
she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister
noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with
water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she
returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of
water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of
him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said,
"I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking
through the Park a few months ago and I found this little
package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

[Fadingtoblack]

Two more

The Three Little Pigs


Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.


"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.


The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.


"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.


The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if
the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.


"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"


The third piggy says -

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged
poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that
he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some
bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back
to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes
over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That
was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures
he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after
the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches
up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop
on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks,
"What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his
back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close
enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another
leopard!

Moral of this story....


Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and
skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[LeperMessiah26]

Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms??

Tesco Condoms - Every little helps

Nike Condoms - Just do it

Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life

KFC Condoms - Finger licking good

Ever Ready Condoms - Keep going and going and going

Pringles Condoms- Once you pop,you cant stop

Burger King Condoms - Home of the whopper

Andrex Condoms - Soft,Strong and very long

Polo Condoms - The one with the hole...Ooops!!