The Official Joke Thread

[Fadingtoblack]

oh shit, frantik2k3, I'd seen that one before but goddamn it's funny, although not for the straight brother obviously!


Fadingtoblack

[Bob Garage]

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors
"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.

"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see
what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.
"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.
"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.
"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.
"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked
the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?"
queried the doctor.
"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"
"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Then there can be only one explanation." said the Doctor..

"Your mother must have been a carrier".

[Bob Garage]

this seems to have died off a bit, so its time to bring it back...

A man goes to the minister at his church. "Reverend, he said, we have a
problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What can I do?"

"I've noticed this and have an idea if you are up to the task," said the
minister. "Take this hat pin with you. I can see when Mrs. Jones is sleeping
and I will motion to you. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg
with the hat pin.

At church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the
minister put his plan to work.

"And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr.Jones.

"Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the
sharp hat pin.

"Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!" came the ministers quick reply.

Mrs. Jones then turned and glared angrily at her husband.

Soon Mrs. Jones again nodded off. The minister noticed.

"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning to Mr. Jones.

"My God!' howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin.

"Right again!" bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face.

Mrs. Jones again gave her husband a real hard threatening glare.

Before long though she again nodded off. This time however the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few hand gestures
that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to sharply poke his wife with the hat pin
again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th
son?"

Mrs. Jones jumped up and shouted, "You stick that thing in me one more time and
I'll break it in half and shove it where the sun don't shine!"

"Amen!" replied all the women in the congregation

[Mr.Metal]

Here's one but it's very cruel!! Don't get pissed at me.

There's a new daddy watching his born child at the hospital through the big window where you can see all the newborns. Suddenly, a nurse comes in and starts to hit the baby, bites him and then takes a knife and starts to cut him. The father screams in horror and desperation, then the doctor and the nurse come out and say:
"Don't worry sir, this is a prank, the child was born dead"

That wasn't nice

[Bob Garage]

i think it's about time this thread got revived.....

There is a merry family gathering with all generations around the table.
The little children (naughty little rascals) smuggle a Viagra tablet into
Grandpa's drink.
After a while, Grandpa excuses himself because he has to go to the bathroom.
When he returns, however, his trousers are wet all over.
"What happened, Grandpa?" he is asked by his concerned children.
"Well," he answers, "I had to go to the bathroom to pee. So I took it out, but
then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back.

[Bob Garage]

Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner.

During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing
how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was.

Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and his
roommate, Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs.Hester started
to wonder if there was more between Brian and his roommate, Stephanie, than met
the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came
to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't
suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her
an e-mail just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

"Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not
saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one
has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian"
Several days later he received a response from his mother that read:

"Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying that you
"do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in
her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom"

LESSON OF THE DAY ... NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

[Pezz]

well i think this thread is a good idea mr fadetoblack, so here's another one from me....

A wealthy aristocrat was chatting with his elderly gamekeeper one day, shortly before Christmas. The conversation came around to the presents they would buy their respective wives.


"I think I'll buy her Ladyship a diamond brooch and a new Mercedes" says the aristo.

"Why's that, Sor"? asks the gnarled old rustic, "Why the diamonds and the new Merc"?

"Because Jennings, if her Ladyship doesn't like the brooch, she can return it in style, and still get pleasure from the trip in the Mercedes".

"Oh, roight, I see".

"What about your wife? What are you buying Mrs Jennings"?

"A pair of slippers and a dildo, Sor".

"Oh, I say! Why the dildo"?

"Well, if she don't loike the slippers, she can go fuck 'erself".

thats funny

[Bob Garage]

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening.

They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there
that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them.

You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has
been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no
hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a
table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one
hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.
He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he
carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly
placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, and then his
wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.

Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were thinking."That poor
old couple."

As the man began to eat his French fries, one young man stood and came over to
the old couples table. He politely offered to buy
another meal.

The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing
everything.Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a thing.
She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the
drink.Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them
something to eat.

This time, the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing. As the little
old man finished eating and was wiping his face
neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.

After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady,
"Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it
that you are waiting for?"

She answered, (scroll down)


"The teeth."

[Bob Garage]

This just in from Texas....
A scientist from Texas A & M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. At a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken outside by a large group of cowboys and had the shit kicked out of him.

[Snow]

Being as this started so well and kinda drifted off now I thought I would put some more input in here... after all, what else would I be doing if not sat here? answers on a postcard to the usual address please

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out, there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking
ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him
a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for me having worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished
the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important...


Sadly, Dave was born without ears. And although he proved to be successful in business, his lack of ears annoyed him greatly.

One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Dave asked "Do you notice anything different about me?"

"Why yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears" came the reply.

He did not appreciate his candour and threw him out of the office.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. And he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

"Well," she said, stammering, "You hav e no ears." Dave again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.

The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.

Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?" Dave was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant person.

"How in the world did you know that?", he asked.

The young man then fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f***ing ears!


Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jean Claude Van Damme were talking
one day.
Chuck Norris asked, "If you were a musician, who would you be?"
Chuck Norris said, "I would be Mozart."
Jean Claude Van Damme said, "I would be Beethoven."
And Arnold said, "I'll be Bach!"


At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouser bloke 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian. Leaning over, he cups his huge ear "Do you want a bl*w job?" he whispers. At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened. Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that" he says "Just what did he say to you?" "I'm not sure" the big scouser replies. "Something about a job."

==========================================

Q. If you see a Scouser on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?

A: It might be your bicycle

==========================================
Q: Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?

A: Because if it walked it would be mugged

==================================================
Q: What do you call a Scouser in a three-bed semi?

A. A Burglar

==================================================

Q: What do you call a Scouser in a tie?

A. The accused

=================================================

Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside?

A: Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin

=============================================

Q: What is the difference between a Scouser and a coconut?

A: One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut

==========================================

Q: What do you say to a scouser in a uniform?

A: Big Mac and fries please

==========================================

Q : What's the first question at a Liverpool pub quiz night?

A: What you looking at?

=========================================

Q: What do you call a scouser in a White Shellsuit

A: The Bride

=========================================

"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five,
it's fantastic."
Woody Allen

"If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Pamela Anderson's fingertips."
Woody Allen

There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L convertible."
PJ O'Rourke

"What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I'm home."
Ken Hammond.

"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less."
Brendan Francis

"An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex."
Edgar Wallace

"Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus."
Bob Rubin

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy."
Steve Martin

My wife is a sex object. Evertime I ask for sex, she objects."
Les Dawson

"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
Woody Allen

My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."
Woody Allen

"Happiness is watching the TV at your girlfriend's house during a power failure."
Bob Hope

"I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women."
Bernard Manning.

Me and the girl, i was crazy about, had matching taste, We both are crazy for girls.
Anonymous

"A nymphomaniac is a women as obsessed with sex as the average man."
Mignon McLaughlin