The Official Joke Thread

[Snow]

Driving conditions are awful, and I've just come off the road and hit an asian guy.


It took 10 minutes, 2 fields and a golf course but I got him in the end!

[Snow]

last one for tonight, my misses wants her phone back (thats where this batch came from by the way!) and I am really getting tired now.


An Aussie, An Irishman and A Scouser (if you don't know ask a brit to explain it!) are in a bar, they are standing at the bar ordering their drinks and look over to a table in the corner where they see a man sitting down who looks like Jesus. So they send him over three pints, 1 pint of Lager, 1 pint of Guiness and a pint of Bitter.
Later the man comes over to the trio to thank them for their generosity. He shakes hands with the Paddy who is instantly cured of arthritus. He shakes hands with the Aussie who is instantly cured of his bad back (like me )Suddenly the Scouser jumps up and shouts "Don't you fucking touch me I'm on disability allowance!"

[Doin]

The Kaiser Chiefs manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football and is suitably
impressed and arranges him to come over to South Africa .

Two weeks later Kaiser Chiefs are 4-0 down to Supersport with only 20 minutes left.

The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Kaiser Chiefs!

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in South African football.

"Hello mum, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but
I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day.

Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten
and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!!!
Sorry?!!!"
says his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Johannesburg in the first place!"

[LeperMessiah26]

Driving conditions are awful, and I've just come off the road and hit an asian guy.


It took 10 minutes, 2 fields and a golf course but I got him in the end!

I wanted to post that one...just didnt know if would be allowed

[Fadingtoblack]

Driving conditions are awful, and I've just come off the road and hit an asian guy.


It took 10 minutes, 2 fields and a golf course but I got him in the end!

I wanted to post that one...just didnt know if would be allowed

As long as it's not toooo nasty or really derogatory it should be ok!


After all, we'd run out of jokes pretty quick if you couldn't be racist, sexist or make gay jokes

[Snow]

As long as it's not toooo nasty or really derogatory it should be ok!


After all, we'd run out of jokes pretty quick if you couldn't be racist, sexist or make gay jokes

Thats why I usually put on the top if I think it might be close to the knuckle

Otherwise someone could accuse me of being racist, sexist, ageist, homophobic, xenaphobic and probably antibiotic as well

But as I told someone recently,I can't be serious for more than about an hour (more if you catch me first thing in the morning! - as in pre-nicotine & pre-caffine)

[Kat]

RACIST ALERT
A recent survey shows that most men are in favour of the muslim full face veil........

........it solves the age old problem of where to wipe your cock after a blow job!

That one just cracks me up...

And Mark, you said you can't be serious for more than 35 seconds, with that one hour thing only applying when you just woke up

[fey-metallica]

<chilomen> *Now Playing: bathtub_lesbians.avi*
<zeddevil2> rofl dude i didnt need to know that
<chilomen> oh shit
<chilomen> lol :S ill change it
<chilomen> *Now Playing: nsync_tearin_up_my_heart.mp3*
<zeddevil2> ...
<zeddevil2> go back to the lesbians


<NaStyChoC> hey babe asl?
<sweetangelic> hi, 14/f/aus ^^
<NaStyChoC> ive a real big cock..
<sweetangelic> o how big??
<NaStyChoC> 9in
<sweetangelic> dats prty big, mines only 8
<NaStyChoC> ok
<NaStyChoC> wait wtf

[fey-metallica]

About Postal 3 (a game):

Postal III is to feature different murderer lifestyles, including serial killer, eco-terrorist, and presidential candidate.


<Malagmyr> This linguistics professor was lecturing the class.
<Malagmyr> "In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."
<Malagmyr> "However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
<Malagmyr> Immediately, a voice from the back of the room piped up: "Yeah..... right...."


<embrace> Hi
<embrace> How do i download guys?
<Frogworm> wouldn't you rather download girls instead?

[fey-metallica]

<Holly> So I got my period, and i was bleeding, and my pad leaked
<Jesse> Really?
<Holly> Yeah, and it leaked everywhere! And so i had to go into the doctors, and they had to shave my vagina, it wasnt good
<Jesse> Wow, i cant believe youre telling me this
<Holly> Well...its just girl talk
<Jesse> Jesse is a guy's name too


<Tostitos> i like my women the way i like my coffee
<Jet> Ground up and in the freezer?
<SteveTheImpermeableHamster> full of your cream?
<mistik> hawt?
<Dokterrock> What, tied up in a sack and thrown over the back of a burro?
<RaMTuFF> quiet ?
<Jet>: Colombian?
<Aimee> hot?
<Jet> From McDonalds?
<djswift2k3> Black?
<SteveTheImpermeableHamster> in a cup?
<Jet> Spilt all over your lap?
<Aimee> cheap?
<whiteboihere> strong and black?/
<Tostitos> i hate you all

+You know what a vampire puts in his hot water to make tea?
-An used tampon


<+dogcow> Did you hear about the MPAA being caught using pirated software?
<+dogcow> http://yro.slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=07/02/18/0458213
<+TheHURD> *loooooooooooooooooooool*
<+dogcow> Can anyone recommend any good movies? I'm going to celebrate!