The Official Joke Thread

[Snow]

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. Now bear with me, you know I tend to ramble when I tell stories but read it's worth getting to the end of this one.


I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it.

A man answered, saying, "Hello." I Politely said, "This is Sean. Could I please speak with Robert Campbell ?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f*kin number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude, but then again how long have we been in sales so I decide to let it go. When I tracked down Robert's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with him, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're a C*nt!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'C*nt' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're a C*nt!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "C*nt" calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said,"Hi, this is John Smith from BT . I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a C*nt!"

One day I was at Valley Park (Croydon for you non sowf landon peeps) Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first C*nt (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the Land Rover C*nt, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?" Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. "Yes, I live at 129 Coombe Lane, in Croydon. It's a terraced house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Steve Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Steve?" "I'm home most days as I'm currently unemployed."

"Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Steve, you're a C*nt!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two a**eholes to call.


Then Monday when I was feeling in a particulary bad mood I came up with an idea. I called C*nt #1.

"Hello?" "You're a C*nt!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Steve Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"I live at Coombe Lane, Croydon, a terraced house, with my gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, C*nt," and hung up.

Then I called C*nt #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, C*nt," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll do what?" I said.

"I'll kick your a*se," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, C*nt, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 129 Coombe Lane, Croydon, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called the Croydon Advertiser about the hoodie war going down in Coombe Lane, Croydon.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Coombe Lane. I got there just in time to watch two C*nts beating the cr*p out of each other in front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a News people.


Now I feel MUCH better.

Take it from me, anger management really works

[Snow]

European Security levels


The British have reacted to the recent terrorism alerts by raising their

security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may

be raised yet again to Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Britons have not

been "A Bit Cross" since the war in 1940, when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been recategorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance."

The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was

during the great fire of 1666.


Also, the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its

terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in

France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a

recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively

paralyzing the country's military capability.


It's not only the British and French that are on a heightened level of

alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly"

to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective

Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."


The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to

"Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a

Neighbour" and "Lose." Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday, as

is customary, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out

of Brussels.

[Snow]

" Ed Zachary Disease"

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had
not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She w as afraid she might
have something wrong with her so she decided to seek the medical
expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK,
take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told to.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side
of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass
back to me."

As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your
probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what
is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease
is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

[Snow]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.


The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi "Yes, Father, it Is "And who was the woman you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."


"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so You may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say."


"Was it Teresa Volpe?" "I'll never tell."


"Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."


"Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed."


"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and must atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."


Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers,"What'd you get?" "Four months vacation and five good leads."

[Snow]

He laid her on the table,
So white and clean and bare.

His forehead wet with beads of sweat,
He rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck and then her breast,
And then he felt her thigh.

The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.

The hole was wide -- he looked inside,
All was dark and murky.

He rubbed his hands and stretched out his arms,


...And then he stuffed the turkey.

[Snow]

Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mother and Dad's for their first night together.


In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mother if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mother replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mother says, "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mother replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

[Snow]

Read with the lights on!


This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.
John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve. John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.
A silence enveloped everybody when they realised he was crying and....wasn't drunk.
About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce, here's the f**king idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."

[Snow]

How true


Invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation last
weekend in Arizona, President Bush spoke for almost an hour of his
future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of
living.

Though vague on the details of his plan, he appeared enthusiastic about
his ideas for helping his "red brothers."

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the President with
a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name -- 'Walking Eagle'.

As the President departed, waving to the crowd in his motorcade, a news
reporter asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name
given to the President. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name
given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

[Snow]

When Jack found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most
beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath
away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to
her, but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit
20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days
later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men.

[Snow]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,
when suddenly...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet."

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune and
there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw
bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double
smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget".

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no
meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that.....Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres,
with Pepe following more slowly at a distance, when suddenly a machine gun
opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally
wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying
breath.. .. . .

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....
"Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....


Ees, a Ham Bush"