The Official Joke Thread

[Snow]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.
The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck!"
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer
and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly," says the landlord, "Sorry about that, it's just we don't
get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The
ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to
him,
"You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just
brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, "get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says,
"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really
good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus," says the landlord.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right," replies the landlord.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With
the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the landlord.
The duck looks confused.
"What the F**k would they want with a plasterer?"

[Snow]

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most I could do to him legally."


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.


MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each others likes and
dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?


CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a
ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons
for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to
the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of
tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)


WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position..
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use
a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for
my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him
at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ......... "HEBREWS"

[Snow]

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, and said, once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.


He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, you have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.


Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard but no Ark. Noah! He roared, I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?

Forgive me, Lord, begged Noah, but things have changed. I needed planning permission from the local Council. I've been arguing with the Department of Health about the need for an on-site toilet. My neighbours claim that I've violated the property boundary laws by building the Ark in my garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Council's Planning Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transport demanded estimates be produced for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us,
but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the
spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and Naturalisation is checking the working visa status of most of the people who want to work. The trades unions say I can't use my sons, they insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, you mean you're not going to Destroy the world?

No, said the Lord.

The Government has beaten me to it.

[Snow]

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote
on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would
find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and! see why
his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:0 0 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests

[Snow]

>The teacher, Ms. Pelzner, was very curious about how each of her students
>celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy.
>
>"Tell me Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?" she
>asked.
>
>Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Pelzner, me and
>my twelve brothers and sisters go to the Midnight Mass
>and we sing hymns, and then we come home very late and
>we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our
>stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for
>Father Christmas to come with all our toys."
>
>"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what
>do you do at Christmas?"
>
>"Well, me and my sister also go to Church with Mom and
>Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late.
>We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up
>our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus
>to bring our presents."
>
>Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not
>wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked,
>"Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"
>
>Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad
>comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls
>Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get
>inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to
>sing, 'What a friend we have in Jesus.' Then we all go
>to the Bahamas."

[Snow]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, says: "Please can you give me a Push?"

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! Its 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband "Yes, Please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk!!!

[Poolzer]

good lord you post whoring brit, if you wanna share a joke, lets see that picture of yesteryear of you!

NOTE:this is a joke, dig the sand out of your mangina

[Snow]

I hope that I haven't repeated any, I am way too tired to go searching through 30+ pages of jokes to see if they've been posted before.

Please note: NO RACIST JOKES in that last batch!

Also it means I can delete a lot of old emails I have sitting in my inbox now. If I find anymore I will post them for you, but for now I temporaryily (wtf?) retire

[Snow]

Ever wanted to here revenge live on British radio, this was hilarious!Danny Dumps

[MetDream]

Mouse Balls And Mouse Ball inspector

I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.

The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.

"If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer