The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

The ASDA Diet

I was in ASDA the other day buying a large bag of Pedigree for my dog, and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Pedigree Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she totally believed it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or handbag with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said "No..... I was sitting in the street licking my bum when a car hit me".

[Bob Garage]

Why Men have better friends

Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

[Bob Garage]

iBreast

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[Snow]

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says
"Do you want Magic Sex?"
"Whats that?" she replies
He says "We go back to my house and f**k......then you disappear!"

[Snow]

"I'm baffled by your orange penis" the doctor told his patient,
"Does anyone else in your family have this condition?"
The concerned fellow says "no"
"Do you handle any chemicals at work?" askes the Doctor
"I don't work" replies the patient
"Well what do you do all day?" says the Dr
....<wait for it>....


"I watch porn and eat Wotsits!"

[Snow]

Chinese man rings his boss
"Me no work. I sick"
Boss says "When I'm sick I fuck my wife, try that"

Two hours later the chinese man rings back:
"Me better now, you have a nice house!"

[Snow]

An Irish woman has been chucked off "Who Wants To Be A Millionare" for masturbating, apparently she didn't fully understand the Fastest Finger First bit!

[Snow]

A chicken, a lion and a bear sitting talking about who is the hardest. The bear says "When I roar the whole forest trembles!"
The Lion says "When I roar the whole jungle shakes with fear!"

"Thats nothing" replies the chicken, "all I have to do is cough and the whole world shits itself!"

[slashy]

in a town,one day a teacher ''who was living there since his birth and loves his town alot'' farts in the lesson. Then all town starts to talk about his fart and everyone laugh on him.Everyone makes fun of him everywhere.Then he decides to leave the town because of these. He leaves the town but he alyways misses his town. He lives away from his town more than 20 years. Then he thinks himself he should go back to town,noone can remember him.. when he went back after 20 years, he see a boy on the road and tries to talk to him.
Teacher:hey there, how are you, i m new here
boy:hi, wellcome
teacher:how old are you?
Boy:i dont know my age sir, but when the teacher farted i was 2 years old.

[MetDream]

What gets longer when pulled,


fits between your boobs,


inserts neatly in a hole,


and works best when jerked?


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A SEAT BELT, you pervert!!!


Now BUCKLE up and pass it on!