The Official Joke Thread

[MetDream]

Computer Dependency


This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers.

Are you male or female? To find out the answer, look down...

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...Look down, not scroll down, dummy!

[Bob Garage]

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

[Bob Garage]

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
Children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody."

[Bob Garage]

A girl is standing at the gates of heaven when she hears horrible screams of
pain coming from inside. She asks St Peter what it is, he says "thats the sound of the angels getting holes drilled in their backs for wings and their heads for halos". She says "I think I would rather go to hell". St Peter replies "in hell you will be raped and buggered". She says "yeh but I already got holes for that!".

[Bob Garage]

Two priests go for a shower one night. They are naked before they realise they
havent got any soap. Father John goes to his room to get some, not bothering to
get dressed. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand and heads back to the
showers. Halfway down the hall 3 nuns head his way. He pretends to be a
statue! Nuns comment on how life like he looks. First nun pulls his manhood.
Startled he drops a bar of soap. "Oh its a soap dispenser!" Second nun does
the same and he drops the second bar. Third nun keeps tugging "sweet Jesus!
Hand lotion as well!"

[Bob Garage]

Prof of maths sends his wife a text. "Dear wife u r 54 yrs old u no longer
satisfy my needs. When u get this text I will b at motel wiv my 18yr old
assistant. I am sorry! I will b home late!" Wife sends reply "Dear husband u
r also 54 yrs old and by the time u get this i will also b at motel with 18yr
pool boy. U r a brill mathematician so u will know that 18 goes into 54 a lot
more than 54 into 18, so dont wait up!"

[Bob Garage]

A British World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his
days in the air force. (Joke best delivered with a good thick English
accent)

"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very
strong air force. I remember," he continues, "one day I was protecting our
bombers when suddenly, out of the clouds,
these fokkers appeared. (At this point, several of the children giggle.)

I looked up, and one fokker was right above me. I aimed at him and shot him
down. They were swarming. I immediately realised that there was another fokker
behind me." (At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and
boys start to laugh.)

The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was
the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company."

"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."

[Bob Garage]

Son asked his mother the following question:

"Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends and
relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household
appliances come in white."

[Bob Garage]

Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[Bob Garage]

A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach , Florida . She looked up and noticed

that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the

most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"