The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

Two queers, one dies. His partner asks for his body to be made into a curry! When asked why he replied – I just want to feel him dribble out of my arse one more time.

[Bob Garage]

Quotes Taken from the Queen Mothers book of condolences.

"I think that the Queen Mum and Princess Diana are our very own Twin Trade Towers. At last we can look the people of New York in the face".
L. Ward, Mansfield.

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"When Diana died I swore I would never smile again, but eventually I did. Now the Queen Mum has gone I cannot image that I will ever smile for the rest of my life, but I will probably break that one too".
A. Christie, Hendon.

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"She was one of the old school; all the remaining royals are ****"
J. Clement, Grantham.

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"I thought she would never die, she has let us all down very badly"
D. Holmes, Somerset.

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"She was a trooper and she never gave up. I remember one time she was visiting a school and I asked her if she would like to make a visit to the cloakroom before she left. 'No' she replied, 'I didn't give in to the Nazis and I won't give in to the bladder'. That's how she was, a fighter, who refused to be beaten by anything. She **** herself later though, it was sickening".
B. Forrester, North Yorkshire.

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"She was a marvellous woman and a wonderful lover".
L. J. Worthington, Penrith.

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"I am absolutely devastated, at least we could have got the day off".
S. Wilson, Bristol.

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"How refreshing to be able to mourn the death of a member of the Royal family without being accused of being homosexual".
J. Fletcher, High Wycombe.

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"Her death should act as a warning to others who think it is cool to experiment with drugs".
E. Franks, Cheshire.

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"On behalf on all blacks, I send the sincerest condolences".
T. Watson, Ilford.


"Perhaps if we automated her old golf buggy it could still drive around The Mall on its own and bring pleasure to the tourists".
Y. Howell, Slough.

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"Once again the Queen is not upset enough for my liking, the woman should have a bit more compassion, how would she feel if it was her mother?"
W. Waugh, Richmond.

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"It is such a loss; God has shat on our heads".
K. O'Neil, Inverness.

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"I am sure the Queen Mum will not let this setback put an end to her public duties". N. Wallace, Swansea.

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"I hold Princess Margaret in no small way responsible for this terrible event"
E. Thompson, West Lothian.

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"Bomb Iraq for us Tony, it’s the only thing that will make us feel better"
P. McGregor, Southampton.

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"We must do all we can, send blankets, food parcels, jumpers, anything to help these brave souls who are queuing up to walk past her coffin".
R. Thompson, Bath.

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"I have been unable to masturbate for five days, and will not do so again until her majesty is buried"
E. Gorman, Derbyshire.

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"Good God, who is next, Geri Halliwell?”
R. Combes, Romford.
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"No matter how she felt, no matter the situation, she always wore a smile. Just like a retard"
G. Hollins, East Sussex.

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"I remember she came to visit us in the East End one time. She was so kind, so generous and so sweet. She whispered softly in my ear, 'you know it’s not true' she said, 'you don't smell of ****'. She was a wondrous person".
E. Collier, London.

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"Whichever way you look at it, it just is not as exciting as Diana".
G. Williams, West Midlands.

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"She was one of us, and by that I don't mean she perpetrated insurance fraud or lied about expense claims. She was like us in a good way. God bless you ma'am". L. Weller, Harlow.

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"If only I could get my hands on that fish bone right now, you heartless bastard!" J. Hedges, Cowdenbeath.

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"She had such a difficult life, always battling against adversity and misfortune. Let us hope that if there is a next time round she is given a life of privilege and comfort" T.D. Wainwright, Hastings.

[Doin]

PETER KAYS UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008
into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have
a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as a schoolchild is to call
your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a p**, flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've
got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping
on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
wood specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.

[Bob Garage]

50 THINGS WOMEN CAN'T DO

1. know anything about a car except its colour
2. understand a film plot
3. go 24 hours without sending a text message
4. lift
5. throw
6. run
7. park
8. fart
9. read a map
10. rob a bank
11. resist Ikea
12. sit still
13. tell a joke
14. play pool
15. pay for dinner
16. eat a kebab whilst walking
17. pee out of a train window
18. argue without shouting
19. get told off without crying
20. understand fruit machines
21. walk past a shoe shop
22. make a decent bacon sandwich
23. not comment on a strangers clothes
24. use small amounts of toilet paper
25. let you sleep with a hangover
26. drink a pint gracefully
27. get a round in
28. throw a punch
29. do magic
30. like your friends
31. enjoy porn
32. eat a really hot curry
33. get to the point
34. buy plain envelopes
35. take less than 20 minutes in the toilet
36. sit in a room for five minutes without saying "I'm cold"
37. go shopping without telephoning 20 mates
38. avoid credit card debt
39. dive into a pool
40. assemble furniture
41. roll a bogey between finger and thumb
42. set a video recorder
43. not try and change you
44. watch a war film
45. understand why flirting results in violence
46. spend a day by themselves
47. go to the toilet by themselves
48. buy a purse that fits in their pocket
49. choose a video quickly
50. get this far without having argued with at least 70% of the above

[Bob Garage]

Mark, a loving husband, was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him. She told him, "tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning, Mark got up really early before work. When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house.

She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Mark is not yet well enough to have visitors...

[Bob Garage]

Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" The husband asks,
"What happened?" His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked. The headaches are all gone."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Damn! That was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

[Bob Garage]

23 people have been found glued to the ceiling and walls of a train in Dublin.


Police believe Irish Muslims have set off the first "No More Nails Bomb"

[Bob Garage]

I met an older woman at a club last night. She was OK for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter 3 some?

I said, "No."

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night and we went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:

"Mum you still awake?"

[Kat]

An old woman comes into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender without even so much as a hello if he wants to spend the night with her. When he first refuses, she offers him 1000 Euro, which makes him give it a second thought and finally give in, as he really needs the cash.

When the bar closes, they go to the woman’s house, into the bedroom, undress and crash on the bed. The barman does his best to make the old frump wet, but nothing seems to do the job.

“Lady, you are just as dry as the desert, do you have some lube around?”

“Nah”, the woman replies “but hold on a second, I’ll be right back”

She gets up, goes into the bathroom, rummages around a little and finally comes back into bed. The bartender is gobsmacked to find her lubed up like a waterslide and starts to ride her like there’s no tomorrow.

After they both caught their breath again, he asks her “I am curious, but how did you get that wet?”

She smirks and replies “Son, there's a scab there is pus!”

[Bob Garage]

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire.

The smell is atrocious!


Both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Bush, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a queen cannot control."

George Bush, always trying to be presidential, replies, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."