The Official Joke Thread

[LeperMessiah26]

Id say 80% of the jokes in this thread are racist,if you think about it....but they make people laugh so...

[LeperMessiah26]

Ok..heres a few from text messages....apologies if they have been posted before..but im not going trhough every single page to find out!!!!


Jack and Jill went up the hill,so Jack could lick Jills fanny
Jack got a shock,and a mouthful of cock
Cos Jill is a pre op tranny


Bert and Mable in an OAP home

Bert says..Im leavin you for Ivy,cos she holds my willy all night
Mable says,But so do i!!
Bert says..Yeah,but she`s got parkinsons


Italian Guy : When i finish makin alove to my girlafriend..i go down and gently tickle the back of her knees...she floats 6 inch above the bed in ecstasy!

French Guy : Zat iz nothin..when i finish wiz ze girl,i kiss her all ze way down her body,zen lick ze soles of er feet,she floats 12 inch above the bed in ecstasy

English Guy : When im done shagging our lass,i wipe me knob on the curtains...she hits the fucking roof!!


You like fuck dumb a is who person retarded another to it send now,this read to trying time
ass sweet your took you

Now read it backwards!!


The 8 year old boy who weights 17 stone,was asked earlier on TV today what his fav musical instrument was...

The fat twat said the dinner bell!!

[nuno_m]

Id say 80% of the jokes in this thread are racist,if you think about it....but they make people laugh so...

yes, i totally agree with you.
and i don't have anything against black people

[MetDream]

Yeah I thought about deleting that post, but decided to let it go. If you guys are offended, we can.

In the meantime, can you say ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwe!!!!!

Don't Flirt at Halloween Parties, here's why:

A wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the Halloween party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate love in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?' He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.' You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life.

[Snow]

Yeah I thought about deleting that post, but decided to let it go. If you guys are offended, we can.

But surely if that post is considered offensive then 90% of what myself and Bob Garage have posted here must also be offensive.....but what do post whoring Brits know eh?

Personally I think that if anyone who reads in this section shouldn't take anything too seriously...bbut isn't that the point of jokes anyway?


With that said.......One for the Brits

36DD breasts, covered in warm belgian chocolate
Erect nipples pierced with gold nipple rings, topped with whipped cream
Clean shaven minge framed by open crotched leather thong
Moist salty clit smothered in blackberry jam.....

This isn't ordinary porn...
This is M & S porn


Fresh nine inch cock covered in hot mustard sauce
Pierced young nipples dipped in boiling hot toffee
Soft virgin clits grilled on maple soaked skewers
Freshly shaved bollocks marinated in garlic and ginger
Battered lightly fried and served on a bed of crisp rocket.....

This is not ordinary food...
This is S & M food!

[Snow]

I was a bit dedpressed last night, so I rang the Samaritans.
I was put through to one of their call centres, this one was in Pakistan.
When I told them that I was depressed and feeling suicidal...

They all got excited and asked if I could fly planes or drive buses!

[Snow]

Paddy was shocked to learn that the cows on his farm all had Bluetongue

Apparentley he didn't know that they even had mobile phones!

[Snow]

What are the three fastest ways of communication?


1 - Tele-Phone
2 - Tele-Vision
3 - Tell-A Woman

If you want it there even faster... Tell her not to tell anyone!

[shownomarcy]

This is M & S porn
This is S & M food!

my monogram is S.M. (in hun order) (Sebestyén Márton) (in english order it is M.S.)
though it reminds me either for the symphonic album


a funny sentence from Chaplin - Limelight:

"The bee's behavior in the beehive is unbelievable"

[MetDream]

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response:

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting
other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts. and you sometimes leave your
designated work area before you have completed assigned task.

Sincerely,
V. Gina