The Official Joke Thread

[damageinc]

Merry Christmas to every reindeer.

[MetDream]

When you have

a 'I Hate My Job' day, try this
On your way

home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so youwill not be disturbed

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized '.

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

[Doin]

http://www.slapcorey.com/

[Doin]

A man escaped from the psychiatric hospital, ran into a laundromat, raped all the women there and ran away.

The headline in the paper the next day read "Nut screws washers and bolts.'

[ColdmetalMuse]

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup downbetween them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the peoplearound them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said,they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turnssipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered 'The Teeth!'

[ColdmetalMuse]

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude.

He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the
newspaper he was reading.

The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper,
mister?"

"A bird," the guy replied.

The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.

When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know.

I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the
next thing I know is I'm here."

Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did
you do to that naked fellow?"

After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing!

I was playing with the bird and it spat on me, so I broke its neck,
cracked it's eggs, and set its nest on fire."

[slayerdiabolus]

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude.

He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the
newspaper he was reading.

The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper,
mister?"

"A bird," the guy replied.

The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.

When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know.

I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the
next thing I know is I'm here."

Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did
you do to that naked fellow?"

After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing!

I was playing with the bird and it spat on me, so I broke its neck,
cracked it's eggs, and set its nest on fire."

Thats the worst one I've heard in a while

[MetDream]

There were two nuns..

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.


Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
Worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.


SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!

[Doin]

MAKING A BABY...

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny. Although it depends on how it is looked at!

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife
goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh
.equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.........

[Bob Garage]

i haven't posted in this thread in a while, i must start again....


The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.


Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."


The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".


Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher sat down and cried