The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

and some more from little Johnny....


A teacher asks her students to discuss what their dads do for a living.

Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."

Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."

All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny. The teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"

Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?"

"He turned blue, and shat on the carpet."

[Bob Garage]

and its about time we had some pictorial jokes....

[Bob Garage]

The Vicar's salary

The Vicar in a small South Island town explains that he must
move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a
hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Ross Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and
Otago, stands up and proclaims: "If the Vicar stays, I will provide him
with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to
transport their children!"


The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and
says, if the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary
and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school
education of his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, if the
Vicar stays, I will give him sex."

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever
possessed you to say that?"

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide,
holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head
from
side to side, while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband
how we could help, and he said, 'F**k the Vicar'.

[Bob Garage]

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.


"What are you so happy about?" Asks the barman?

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"


"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy, was she pretty?"


"I don’t know...Never found the head.

[Bob Garage]

more from little johnny...

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.


When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.

Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie, "coz he'd be f&!*%d if he needed glasses".

[Bob Garage]

A Somalian arrives in Birmingham as a new immigrant to the UK

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Englishman for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!" The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Pakistani."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. “Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK!" The

Person says, "I not British, I am Polish."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful things in England!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from India, I am not British!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you British?" She says,” No, I am from Africa!" Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the British people?"

The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work!!!!!!

[Bob Garage]

A cross-section survey of 10000 people in the UK , made up of Afghans, Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis, Africans, Albanians, Bosnians, Turks, Geordies, Brummies, Glaswegians and Liverpudlians were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to Euro.
99% said no, they were happy with the Giro.

[Bob Garage]

A woman went to the doctor's office. Where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.


An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.


The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "And.... does she still have the hiccups?"

[Bob Garage]

Australian farmer got in his utility and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door.

'Is your Dad home'? The farmer asked.

'Sorry mate, he isn't' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'

'Well,' said the farmer, 'Is your mum here'?

'Nope, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad.'

'How about your brother, Greg? Is he here'?

'He went with Mum and Dad.'

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

'Is there anything I can do for ya'? The boy asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad.'

'Well,' said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant.'
The boy considered for a moment.

'You would have to talk to Dad about that,' he finally conceded. If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg.

[Bob Garage]

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.


The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator); responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son..."Go get your mother.