The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

FENERBACHE left-back Roberto Carlos and Chelski's Ashley Cole swapped shirts after their Champions League game................. proving once again that Cole will take his clothes off any time you show him a Brazilian.

[Bob Garage]

A drill sergeant ordered 2 young female recruits to paint a room in the barracks, stressing that they not get any paint on their uniforms.

Doubtful they could avoid ruining their clothes, the women locked the door, stripped naked and painted in the nude.

After about an hour they heard a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" asked one of the women.

"Blind man," came the reply.

Seeing no harm in letting a blind man in, they opened the door.

"Wow, what knockouts!" the man said in surprise.

"Now where do you want these blinds?"

[Bob Garage]

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

"Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: " So,Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

[Bob Garage]

A retired Italian wine maker went to the village church to make his confession for the first time in many decades. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! You have no need to confess it."

"It's worse than that, Father," he continued. "She quickly started to repay me with, uh, you know, favors."

"People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn't under norma conditions," the priest replied. "If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a relief," the man said. He then added, "I have one more question."

"What is it, my son?" the priest asked.

The man answered, "She is pretty old now. Should I tell her the war is over?"

[Bob Garage]

A grandfather, always made a special effort with his grandchildren. Many Sunday mornings he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and he really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, grandma came to the rescue and said that she would take the grandchild out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see Pop Pop.

'Well,' the grandfather asked, 'did you enjoy your ride with Nana? '

'Oh yes, Pop Pop' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head!'

[Bob Garage]

A new group of first graders were in class for the first time.

The teacher told them, "You are in first grade now and we do not talk 'baby talk' in my classroom. When I point to you, stand, tell me your name, and something you did this summer."

The first child stood, "My name is Jackie, I visited my Nanny."

The teacher said "That's great, but from now on we will say Grandmother. There is no 'baby talk' in the first grade."

The second child stood, "My name is Regina. I rode a choo choo this summer." The teacher replied, "That's good, but from now on we will say train. Remember, no 'baby talk' in first grade."

The third child stood, "My name is Frank and I read a book this summer." The teacher replied, "That's wonderful Frank! What book did you read?"

The little boy very proudly replied, "Winnie the Shit.

[Bob Garage]

A lady walks into a very upscale jewelry shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

Bending over to get a closer look, she accidentally passes gas.

Extremely embarrassed, she freezes for a few moments and then slowly straightens up and turns around to see whether anyone has noticed her little accident. Her worst fears are confirmed in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber, the salesman greets the lady with a very professional, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Hoping against hope that he may just not have been there at the time of her little accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price.'

[Bob Garage]

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?' The big dude says: 'I saw your look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks. I'm 7 feet tall. I weigh 350 pounds. I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'
The small guy says: 'Turner Brown. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around.'

[Pete-Rock]

Hahaha the one about Jack and Bill and the Nutella was great!!!!

What about this one:

A little boy is asking his father "Daddy, why do I have slitted eyes but mom and you havent?"
"Oh well," the father replies "that was kind of an orgy some years ago. You should be happy that you are not barking!"

[Bob Garage]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. 'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' Then he hung up.

Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed .

One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!' George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

Don't mess with old people.