A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."
The Official Joke Thread
Forum rules
Forum Specific Rules
Forum Specific Rules
General Chat. Thats the theme here. Where it wont go anywhere else, it should go here. Everything goes as long as its allowed.
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Bob Garage
- Stone Cold Poster
- Posts: 4044
- Joined: Mon Jul 14, 2003 2:48 pm
- Location: Telford, UK
- Country: Wales
Re: The Official Joke Thread
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!
-
Bob Garage
- Stone Cold Poster
- Posts: 4044
- Joined: Mon Jul 14, 2003 2:48 pm
- Location: Telford, UK
- Country: Wales
Re: The Official Joke Thread
There are three things you should never say in a gay bar.
1 F*ck me it is hot in here.
2 Bugger me the beer's good.
3 Can I push your stool in!
1 F*ck me it is hot in here.
2 Bugger me the beer's good.
3 Can I push your stool in!
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!
-
Doin
- Broken, Beat, but not scarred
- Posts: 519
- Joined: Thu Feb 12, 2004 8:08 am
- Location: Melbourne
- Country: Australia
Re: The Official Joke Thread
A woman goes into BigW to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to
the counter.
The BigW salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.
She says, 'Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'
He says, 'Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound
it makes.'
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, 'That's a two metre Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel
and 5-kg.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale
this week for $44.'
She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!'
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
'Oh, that sounds like a Visa card,' he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the
blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $58.50 please.'
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me it was
on sale for $44. How did you get to $58.50?'
'The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50.'
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to
the counter.
The BigW salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.
She says, 'Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'
He says, 'Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound
it makes.'
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, 'That's a two metre Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel
and 5-kg.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale
this week for $44.'
She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!'
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
'Oh, that sounds like a Visa card,' he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the
blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $58.50 please.'
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me it was
on sale for $44. How did you get to $58.50?'
'The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50.'
-
Bob Garage
- Stone Cold Poster
- Posts: 4044
- Joined: Mon Jul 14, 2003 2:48 pm
- Location: Telford, UK
- Country: Wales
Re: The Official Joke Thread
A first-grade teacher, Ms Tulip (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked,' Boy, what is your problem?'
Boy answered, 'I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!'
Ms Tulip had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office. While Boy. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Tulip he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.
Boy. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Boy: '9'.
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Boy: '36'.
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Tulip and tells her, 'I think Boy can go to the third-grade. '
Ms Tulip says to the principal, 'I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him ?' The principal and Boy both agreed.
Ms Tulip asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy., after a moment 'Legs.'
Ms Tulip: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
Boy: 'Pockets.'
Ms Tulip: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut
Ms Tulip: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky ? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy. was taking charge.
Boy: Bubblegum
Ms Tulip: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy: Shake hands
Ms Tulip: Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?
Boy: Yep.
Ms Tulip: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent
Ms Tulip: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Vodka peg .
Boy: Wedding Ring
Ms Tulip: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy: Nose
Ms Tulip: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow
Ms Tulip: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy: Fire truck
Ms Tulip: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it u have to use your hand.
Boy: Fork
Ms Tulip: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy: SURNAME
Ms Tulip: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
'Send this Boy to OXFORD UNIVERSITY EVEN I GOT THE LAST TEN QUESTION WRONG MYSELF'
Boy answered, 'I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!'
Ms Tulip had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office. While Boy. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Tulip he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.
Boy. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Boy: '9'.
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Boy: '36'.
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Tulip and tells her, 'I think Boy can go to the third-grade. '
Ms Tulip says to the principal, 'I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him ?' The principal and Boy both agreed.
Ms Tulip asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy., after a moment 'Legs.'
Ms Tulip: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
Boy: 'Pockets.'
Ms Tulip: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut
Ms Tulip: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky ? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy. was taking charge.
Boy: Bubblegum
Ms Tulip: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy: Shake hands
Ms Tulip: Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?
Boy: Yep.
Ms Tulip: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent
Ms Tulip: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Vodka peg .
Boy: Wedding Ring
Ms Tulip: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy: Nose
Ms Tulip: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow
Ms Tulip: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy: Fire truck
Ms Tulip: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it u have to use your hand.
Boy: Fork
Ms Tulip: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy: SURNAME
Ms Tulip: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
'Send this Boy to OXFORD UNIVERSITY EVEN I GOT THE LAST TEN QUESTION WRONG MYSELF'
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!
-
Bob Garage
- Stone Cold Poster
- Posts: 4044
- Joined: Mon Jul 14, 2003 2:48 pm
- Location: Telford, UK
- Country: Wales
Re: The Official Joke Thread
One dark night in the small town of Garfield , NJ, a fire started inside the
local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm
went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage
company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage
recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will
donate $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out and delivers them to
me.'
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had
to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived,
the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was
now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came
into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi , NJ volunteer fire
department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these
Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove
straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in
amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with
a performance that was as if they were fighting to save their own lives Within a
short time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished the fire a nd saved the secret
recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a
superhuman accomplishment he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over
to perso nally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera'
reporter asked the Italian fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that
money?'
'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de
fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa uppa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!'
local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm
went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage
company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage
recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will
donate $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out and delivers them to
me.'
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had
to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived,
the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was
now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came
into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi , NJ volunteer fire
department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these
Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove
straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in
amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with
a performance that was as if they were fighting to save their own lives Within a
short time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished the fire a nd saved the secret
recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a
superhuman accomplishment he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over
to perso nally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera'
reporter asked the Italian fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that
money?'
'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de
fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa uppa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!'
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!
-
Bob Garage
- Stone Cold Poster
- Posts: 4044
- Joined: Mon Jul 14, 2003 2:48 pm
- Location: Telford, UK
- Country: Wales
Re: The Official Joke Thread
The British weather has been declared Muslim
It's partly Sunni but mostly Shi'ite
It's partly Sunni but mostly Shi'ite
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!
-
Bob Garage
- Stone Cold Poster
- Posts: 4044
- Joined: Mon Jul 14, 2003 2:48 pm
- Location: Telford, UK
- Country: Wales
Re: The Official Joke Thread
Gay Ray goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, 'Ray, I'm not going to beat around the
bush.
You have AIDS.'
Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?'
Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in
hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of All
Bran and top it off with a gallon of prune juice.'
Ray asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?'
Doc says,
'No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse
is for.
The doctor comes back and says, 'Ray, I'm not going to beat around the
bush.
You have AIDS.'
Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?'
Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in
hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of All
Bran and top it off with a gallon of prune juice.'
Ray asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?'
Doc says,
'No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse
is for.
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!
-
Bob Garage
- Stone Cold Poster
- Posts: 4044
- Joined: Mon Jul 14, 2003 2:48 pm
- Location: Telford, UK
- Country: Wales
Re: The Official Joke Thread
Old man back from Thailand with his new Thai bride.
Lying in bed, the Thai bride is playing with his manhood, slowly up and down, and the old boy says "You must love that, you haven't left it alone, since we got back."
The bride replies, "Not really, I just miss mine."
Lying in bed, the Thai bride is playing with his manhood, slowly up and down, and the old boy says "You must love that, you haven't left it alone, since we got back."
The bride replies, "Not really, I just miss mine."
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!
-
Bob Garage
- Stone Cold Poster
- Posts: 4044
- Joined: Mon Jul 14, 2003 2:48 pm
- Location: Telford, UK
- Country: Wales
Re: The Official Joke Thread
A young lady from Telford was in Hospital having a baby, the midwife asked if the father or husband was going to be present. "I dont have a husband and I dont know who the father is" replied the girl.
"Fiancee"? asked the midwife. "I dont have a fiancee" replied the girl, "boyfriend" asked the midwife " I dont have a boyfriend" replied the girl.
Anyway time passed quickly and the baby was born, the midwife said "your baby is healthy but I have to tell you it is black". The girl replied " I can explain that I was broke and this part came up in a porno movie and there was this black guy so there you are".
The midwife said " but your baby has the blondest hair" the girl replied " yes well that will be the swedish bloke from the same movie". The midwife said " your baby also has slanty eyes" the girl replied " well that would be the Chinese guy from the same movie".
The midwife then proceded to smack the baby on the bum whereupon it started to cry, "thank god for that said the girl", " thank god for what" said the midwife.
The girl replied " I was worried it was going to bark"
"Fiancee"? asked the midwife. "I dont have a fiancee" replied the girl, "boyfriend" asked the midwife " I dont have a boyfriend" replied the girl.
Anyway time passed quickly and the baby was born, the midwife said "your baby is healthy but I have to tell you it is black". The girl replied " I can explain that I was broke and this part came up in a porno movie and there was this black guy so there you are".
The midwife said " but your baby has the blondest hair" the girl replied " yes well that will be the swedish bloke from the same movie". The midwife said " your baby also has slanty eyes" the girl replied " well that would be the Chinese guy from the same movie".
The midwife then proceded to smack the baby on the bum whereupon it started to cry, "thank god for that said the girl", " thank god for what" said the midwife.
The girl replied " I was worried it was going to bark"
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!
-
Bob Garage
- Stone Cold Poster
- Posts: 4044
- Joined: Mon Jul 14, 2003 2:48 pm
- Location: Telford, UK
- Country: Wales
Re: The Official Joke Thread
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed.
He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, " That's what I need...A new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit, it fitted perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How About a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" Been in the business 60 years". Joe tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear? "
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, " Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old. "
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and Give you hell of a headache. "
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
For everything else, there's MASTERCARD
The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed.
He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, " That's what I need...A new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit, it fitted perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How About a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" Been in the business 60 years". Joe tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear? "
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, " Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old. "
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and Give you hell of a headache. "
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
For everything else, there's MASTERCARD
Theres a vortex in the fridge,
The food flies about
Throttled by sausages
I cannot get out!