The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation, and Ed fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship.

"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend."I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."

Dorothy responded, "If we're being honest with each other, here goes...........I'm a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

[Bob Garage]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them.

She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this,it’s still in the CRATE!"

[Bob Garage]

Twelve Irish priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a long legged sexy, beautiful, nude model danced erotically before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his willy, and they were told that any of them whose bell rang when she was in front of them would not be ordained because he had obviously not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Patrick.

Poor Patrick. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in some nearby foliage.Very embarrassed, Patrick quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up....

......then all the other bells started to ring violently.

[Bob Garage]

Pat and Mick walking down a street in London and Pat happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said 'Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair'.

Pat says to his pal, 'Mick, will you look at that! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland , we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking 'cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent.'

'Roight y'are, Pat, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will.'says Mick. In they go and Paddy, in his best English accent, says 'I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my van and ......'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from Ireland, aren't you?'

'Well...yes,' says a surprised Pat. 'How de hell d'y' know dat ?'

The owner says, 'Because this is a dry cleaners.'

[Bob Garage]

A bloke is watching TV, his wife is out at bingo. As he is settling down, his son, who was watching TV up in his room, appears in the doorway.

"Dad, what's love juice?"

The dad chokes on his beer and thinks, "well, he is twelve now, perhaps I should explain." "Well, son," he says, "soon you will meet a girl who you fancy, you will become excited and your willy will get very hard."

The dad gulps and carries on, "you will touch the girl all over and when you reach the top of her leg it will feel wet - this is her love juice coming out of her vagina, it means she is ready for sexual intercourse."

The son looks curious and says, "ok, dad, thanks."

As he is leaving the room the dad says, "hang on son, what are you watching up there to make you ask that?"

The son replies, "Wimbledon 2008"

[Bob Garage]

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.

All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.

The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'

Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'

Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

[Bob Garage]

a pictorial one...

[Bob Garage]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his Friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

[Bob Garage]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”

“ No,” he replied, “arthritis.”

[Bob Garage]

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.

'Oh, probably catch a movie, then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.

'Really?' Fred asked, eyebrows rose.

'Oh yes,' the mother continued. 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.

'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening .

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

'Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. 'The Twist, Dammit! It's called the Twist! '