The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers she raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....

"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? "

[Bob Garage]

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,

and all the patients

were shouting,


'13 ... 13 ... 13.'


The fence was too high to see over,

but I saw a little gap in

the planks, so I

looked through to see what

was going on ...


Some b@stard poked me in

the eye with a stick!


Then they all started shouting '14 ... 14 ... 14'.

[Bob Garage]

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass, and he'll pass a Harley Davidson.'

[Bob Garage]

Jack goes to the doctor and says, "I'm having trouble getting my penis erect. Can you help me?"

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "The problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you, except if you're willing to try a new experimental treatment."

"What's the treatment?" Jack asks sadly.

"Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

Jack thinks about it then says, "The thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much. I'll have the treatment."

A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.

In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful.

To release the pressure, Jack unzipped his trousers. His penis immediately sprung from his trousers, went to the table top, grabbed a bread roll, then returned back into his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"

"Well, I think so, but....... I don't think I can fit another roll up my arse."

[Bob Garage]

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Paul, how would you say it?'

Paul said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner.'

The teacher fainted.

[Bob Garage]

Two brothers grew up in the USA mountains, and when they were grown, one of them said he was going up North to seek his fortune.

The other one said he'd stay home and look after the farm and their parents.

The one up North became a salesman, soon he was sales manager, and then vice president and finally president of the company.

Before long, his business was bought out by a big company out West. In a little while, he became president of the parent company.

One day he got a call from his brother on the farm, who said, "Daddy died, and the funeral is Friday."

He said, "Oh, my goodness. I have to leave Thursday for a big merger meeting in Japan. I just can't come, but I want you to give Daddy the best funeral you can get and send the bill to me. It's the least I can do."

Well, the brother did as he was instructed, and in a few weeks, the successful brother received a bill for $6,000, and he paid it.

The following month, a bill for $100 came. Thinking they had forgotten something, he paid it. The next month, another bill for $100 came, and he paid that one, too. When another $100 bill arrived the third month, he called his brother and asked why he was still getting these bills.

"Oh, yes," the brother said, "I think I know. See, when we got Daddy all dressed up in his old serge suit in that new casket with that polished wood and satin lining, he just didn't look right, and since you said you wanted the best, ...... we rented him a tuxedo."

[Bob Garage]

A young cowboy from Butte, Montana goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Bozeman that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!'

'That's amazing,' his dad says. 'How do I get Old Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $1,000' the young cowboy says. 'I'll get him into the course.' So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

'So how's Ole Blue doing, son,' his father asks. 'Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm,' he says, 'but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to Read!' 'Read!' says his father, 'No kidding! How do we get Old Blue in that program?'

'Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.' The money promptly arrives.

Our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home, his father is all excited 'Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?''

The father exclaims, 'I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

[Bob Garage]

There was a case in Somerset Hospital's ICU, where patients always died in the same bed, every Sunday morning at 11am - regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that particular bed was the work of the Devil...as to why the deaths at 11am on Sunday mornings?

A world-wide team of experts were constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11, all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off any evil spirits...J

ust then the clock struck 11 and.............In walked Sipho (the part-time Sunday cleaner).

He entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner!

[Bob Garage]

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and the cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, 'Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I gave you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays for the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cabby and said, 'What would you do?'

The cabby said, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

[Bob Garage]

The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one, which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"