The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

"Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot Died.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die
from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod"

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on
fire."

"What the hell??.... Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of
a candle??!!!"

"Yes Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

" WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod... She showed up one night out of the blue and I
thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike
Driver."

SILENCE............... LONG
SILENCE...............

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"

[Bob Garage]

Business banners

Over a gynaecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we help you pick your nose?"
At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a exhaust repair shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

[Bob Garage]

Last month Prince Charles and Camilla visited Worcester and all the civic dignitaries were lined up at Worcester station ready for the Royal train to arrive, As the train wheezed and huffed to a standstill the door to the Royal carriage opened and out stepped HRH sporting a genuine fox fur hat, with the poor creature's tail hanging forlornly down his back.

The Mayor of Worcester and the Lord Lieutenant of the County stepped forward and the Lord Lieutenant whispered in Charlie's ear, "My God, your Highness, it's one of the hottest days of the year, and - I mean, I know your views about hunting - but it's hardly politically correct, wearing a fox fur hat, now is it?"

"What???" exclaimed Charles, "oh, this old thing," he indicated his hat, "Mummy's idea!"

"Mummy's idea?" said the Lord Lieutenant incredulously, "you mean Her Majesty the Queen's idea???"

"Oh yes," replied Charles, "you see, at breakfast she asked me what I was doing today, and I told her that I was coming to Worcester and she said 'Worcester? Wear the fox hat?'"

[Bob Garage]

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.

'Hi my name is Carmen,' she told him.

'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'

'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.'

'What's your name?' she asked.

He said, 'B. J. Titsenfishin'

[Bob Garage]

The train was quite crowded, a U.S.Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a poodle belonging to a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word. He just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'I'm horrified. Someone must defend my honour and put this American in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

[Bob Garage]

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat’s milk.
The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.
‘This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.’
‘Yes, I remember him as a baby’ says the other mother cheerfully.
He’s a martyr now though’ mum confides.
‘Oh, so sad dear’ says the other.
And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21?
‘Oh, I remember him,’ says the other happily, ‘he had such curly hair when he was born’.
‘He’s a martyr too’ says mum quietly.
‘Oh, gracious me …’ Says the other.
‘And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.
He would be 18, she whispers.
‘Yes’ says the friend enthusiastically, ‘I remember when he first started school’
He’s a martyr also,’ says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says…
‘They blow up so fast, don’t they?’

[Bob Garage]

For several years, a married man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.


If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.


One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'


'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.


On the card was written:


'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without.'


'SEND EXTRA SAUCE'.

[Bob Garage]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his Priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

[Bob Garage]

You are suffering form what is technically known as an Electra Complex," the psychiatrist is informing his blonde female patient. "In other words, you are in love with your father."

The blonde breaks down into hysterical sobbing.

"Now, now," comforts the shrink. "It's not all that bad."

"Yes..(snif)...yes, it is," the blonde gets out between sobs.

"I have no chance at all...he's a married man!"

[Bob Garage]

A man finally gets his prescription for Viagra.
Eager to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from work, but in his excitement he forgets and leaves the package open on the table and his cockatiel eats all of them. Seeing the results and panicking the man grabs the bird and stuffs him into the freezer to cool off.
Unfortunately, his Viagra kicks in just as his wife comes home and it is hours later before he remembers the cockatiel. He runs and looks in the freezer expecting the worst, only to find the bird breathing heavily, drained with sweat and totally exhausted.
“What happened?” the man asks. “You were in there for hours and yet you’re not only alive but you’re sweating like crazy?”
The cockatiel pants, “Man, have you ever tried to pry apart the legs a frozen chicken?”