The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.

[Bob Garage]

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.

[Bob Garage]

The owner of the chemist shop walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner asks the blonde sales girl: 'What's with the bloke over there by the wall?'

The blonde responds: 'Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative'

The owner, wide-eyed and excited shouts: 'You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!'

The blonde calmly responds: 'Of course you can!, Look at him, he's afraid to cough.'

[Bob Garage]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles
On their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector: 'First body: An Italian , 60, died
Of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.'

'Second body: 'Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the
Lottery, spent it all on whiskey, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the
Smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What of the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one. Danny O,Neil, Irish,
30, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

'Thought he was having his picture taken'.

[Bob Garage]

A golfer stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity to his partner. He looks up, looks down, measures the distance and figures the wind direction and speed. The longer he takes, the more his partner fidgets.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball."
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man," the partner says. "You'll never hit her from here."

[Bob Garage]

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied, 'because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into mummy and daddy's bedroom the other night and mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh ! God, I'm coming!' 'If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'

The Nun fainted...

[Bob Garage]

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into
a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes
up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the
doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a
girl. The
babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth and had to be
christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named
them. The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me
brother, he's a blomin' clueless idiot... Expecting the
worst, she asks the doctor,'Well, what's me
daughter's name?' 'Denise' says the doctor.
The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a beautiful name,
I guess I was wrong about me brother', she thought....'I really
like
Denise Then she asks, 'What's the boy's name?' The
doctor replies 'Denephew'

[Bob Garage]

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town oneday. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes,a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand anda bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to.'

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you oldfool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man'sfeet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled bothhammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard thesound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslingerslowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'

The lessons from this story are:

1. Don't waste ammunition.

2. Don't mess with old people

[Bob Garage]

Footballer Cristiano Ronaldo is being lined up to star in a multi-million dollar remake of the epic TV series Roots.
Ronaldo has demanded £3.5m per episode.
Producers say the star's treatment at the hands of Manchester United make him the perfect choice to portray the young African slave who is beaten by his brutal masters.
The Portuguese winger said he had been traumatised by 'outrageous' demands that he honour the £125,000 a week, legally-binding contract, which has brought him only, misery, adulation and Gemma Atkinson.

Speaking from the titanium gazebo in the rose garden of his 31-room mansion, Ronaldo said: 'I feel I can relate to the suffering of African slaves.
'If anything, it is worse, because footballers cannot sing while we work, whereas they had time to develop gospel music during their 16-hours shifts before dropping dead from exhaustion.'
In the series a young African boy is dragged from his homeland and shipped to America where he is forced to work in the fields by a cruel and violent plantation owner.
'The similarities are uncanny, though admittedly, the Lear Jet that flew me from Lisbon to Manchester wasn't packed with 150 other players sleeping head-to-toe.'

Ronaldo also conceded that, while the slave-master in Roots administered brutal beatings, Man Utd boss Sir Alex Ferguson had nurtured his talent, lavished him with praise and turned him into one of the best footballers in the world.
'But without the freedom to do whatever I want, wherever I want, for whatever fee I want, I am exactly the same as a cotton picker forced to live in a shed, dying at the age of 32.'
He added: 'I know the people will love my acting.,,,,,Already, in the streets, I hear many of them calling me 'Kunta'.'

[Bob Garage]

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, 'Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on
Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there.'
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,' Mike, you've been my best Friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice
Calling out to him, 'Mike--Mike.'

'Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Mike--it's me, Joe.'

'You're not Joe. Joe just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Joe,' insists the voice.'

'Joe! Where are you?'

'In heaven', replies Joe. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' says Mike.

The good news,' Joe says,' is that there's rugby in heaven. Better

Yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, We're all young again.
Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And Best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired, or injured.'

'That's fantastic,' says Mike. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'


'You're in the team for Tuesday.'