The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I want a bourbon and............... coke"

The bartender asks "what's with the huge pause?"

The bear says, "I've had them all my life."

[Bob Garage]

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

[Bob Garage]

Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?" The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"
The next day they went to the mother one at a time. The mother said to the first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I stole a kid's bike." The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.

The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."

The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"

[Bob Garage]

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and
get meslippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two
stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!"
"I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of
dem,Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

[Bob Garage]

A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work.

The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking
with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you
get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your
wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention
that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked
into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave
her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized
he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the
hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his
wife sitting on the john.

"How did you get in here?" he asked.

"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

[Bob Garage]

This morning on the Interstate,

I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her Face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.


As a man, I don't scare easily. but she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. in all The confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cellphone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs,
splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!

[Bob Garage]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says. 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just chopped off their heads and swapped them over!'

[Bob Garage]

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn,
that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live..

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course,
she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only
have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?' Carolyn
agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only
eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,
'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.' She agreed, then
afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed
and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only
have four hours left! Could we...?'

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen Barry,
I'm not being funny... but I have to get up in the morning and you
don't.'

[Bob Garage]

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back.
The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an Economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.
The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!'
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, 'Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea,' gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot replied, 'I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne.'

[Bob Garage]

Four old mischievous Grandma's were sitting at a table in a nursing home.
About then old Grandpa Willie walked in.

One of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are Willie .'

Then old man Willie said, 'There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools.'

One of the old Grandma's said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants & under shorts & we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, Willie
dropped his drawers.

The Grandma's asked him to first turn around a couple of times & to jump up & down several times. Then they all piped up & said, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old Willie asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees & grinning from ear to ear, all four old ladies happily yelled in unison--- 'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'