The Official Joke Thread

[jimmer]

A college graduate was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories. A week later the grad complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results.

"Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked.

"What do you think I've been doing," the grad said, "shoving them up my butt?"

[jimmer]

Did you hear the one about the constipated alcoholic ????


He couldn't pass a pub...

[Fadingtoblack]

Damnit forgot about this thread again. Guess I was too busy being FULL of myself eh Metdream!?

Well here's a few more jokes to make up for it:

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."


They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.


Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest person in the world."


Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated, "Who is Camilla Parker Bowles?"

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"


From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"


O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:
"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokke r, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."


A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted:
"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."


There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked".
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."


A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."


One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."


The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."


While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say
the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this Country...we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex
lives........"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a
justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi'."

I BET YOU READ THIS AGAIN-

An Australian was sitting at the table of an outdoor cafe, reading the newspaper while have a coffee and croissants with butter and jam, then an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian continued to read his newspaper, ignoring the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said: "You Australian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied: "Of course."

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat the inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants, and sell them to Australia." The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted. "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?" Sighing, the Australian replied: "Of course we do, only we call it jam here."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said: "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell it to Australia."

The Australian then asked: "Do you have sex in the States?"

The American smiled and said: "Of course we do."

The Australian leaned closer to him and asked: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

"We throw them away of course," replied the American.

Now it was the Australians turn to smile. "We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum, and sell it to the United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"

>A Chinese couple gets married, and she's a virgin.

>Truth be told, he is none too experienced either.

>On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband
>undresses.

>He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring, "My darring" he says,
>"I know dis you fus time and you berry frighten. Plomise you, I give you
>anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you wan, you say.

>Whatchou wan?" he says, trying to impress his virgin bride.

>A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently and eagerly for her
>request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan numba 69".

>More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

>Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries, "You wan... Beef wif Broccori?

> A guy goes to the Sheriff's Office to apply for a job. The interviewer
> asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
>
> "Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years." The interviewer
> says, "That will give you extra points toward employment." The
> interviewer then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
>
> The guy says, "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my
> testicles off."
>
> The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours
> are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at
> noon."
>
> The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00
> P.M., then why do you want me to come in at noon?"
>
> "This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first four
> hours we sit around scratching our balls.......no point in you coming in
> for that".

My humble Apologies if some of these have been posted before, I get a lot through email so it's hard to keep track some times

[MetDream]

Damnit forgot about this thread again. Guess I was too busy being FULL of myself eh Metdream!?

That comment was directed at dmegametal#1 for voting "me" in every award thread out there!

However your jokes (and your ablity to joke about what you preceived as a "dig" at you) are just more proof for my vote for you for the funniest member. Thanks for sharing!!!!!

[Sandman]

funniest member huh, where do i sign up wetdream??

[MetDream]

Here is a really dumb one:

Problem Name

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete....she is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say... Picabo, ICU.

[Pete-Rock]

> An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of
> Church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the
> man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled,
> "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus
> Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his
> tracks.
>
> The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
> As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,
> "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a
> scripture to you."
>
> "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Axe and Two
> 38's!"

[Euge]

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend?

She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house.

I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

The moral of this story is:

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

[even13flow]

My buddy Kelly does these one liners at work all day long, this is the latest:
Q: How many jacks (those little toys) could you fit in a 55 gallon barrel?
(Whatever the answer is...your response is)
A: You're close, but you're just one jackoff

[flickn]

My buddy Kelly does these one liners at work all day long, this is the latest:
Q: How many jacks (those little toys) could you fit in a 55 gallon barrel?
(Whatever the answer is...your response is)
A: You're close, but you're just one jackoff

BWHAHAHAHAH good one bro