The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

A bloke is lying in his hospital bed, wired up with drips and monitors,
breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask. A young lady comes round the ward
with the tea and newspaper trolley. Approaching him she asks if there is
anything she can do for him. The guy looks at her and asks "Are my testicles
black?"

"I'm sorry but I'm not medical staff, I can't help you with that" she
replies.

"Oh, please have a look for me, I'm really worried; Are my testicles black?"

Taking pity on his obvious distress the girl glances around the ward and,
seeing there are no medical staff around, says "Alright, I'll have a look
for you". She pulls back the bedcover, lifts his penis out of the way and,
cupping his balls in her hand tells him, with a note of relief in her voice,
"No, they look fine to me".

The patient pulls off his oxygen mask and says "I said, Are my test results
back?"

[Bob Garage]

First Christmas Joke of the Year

....

[Bob Garage]

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"

"NOT YET!!" she replied.

[Bob Garage]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying:

"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'


"OH DEAR GOD NO!!!" George W. Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as
the president sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President, devastated, looks up and asks..........

"How many is a Brazillion??!"

[Bob Garage]

Mum walked into the bathroom one day & found young Johnny furiously scrubbing his penis with a toothbrush and toothpaste. "What the hell do you think you're doing, young man!" she exclaimed. "Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned. "I'm gonna do this three times a day, because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister's."

[Bob Garage]

A young boy went to his father and asked "What's the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father ponders for a moment and then answered "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid and also ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid, then come back and tell me what you've learnt."

So the boy went to his mother and asked "would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid?" The mother replied "Definitely, I wouldn't pass on an opportunity like that." The boy then went to his older sister and asked "would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid?" The girl replied "Oh gosh, I would just love to do that, I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!" The boy thought about it for a few days then went back to his father. His father asked him "Did you find the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million quid, but realistically we're living with two slappers." The father replied "that's my boy."

[Bob Garage]

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . ..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . .. I would but you're never there.

He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[Bob Garage]

Eight Words - Two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

[MetDream]

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!


I thought the results were interesting:

85% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and
they would have married him anyway.

[flickn]