The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town an kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said,

"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."


GOT YOU!!!!!!!!!

[Luís]

Little Zachary, a Jewish kid, was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of to help his math!

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner, to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books. With great trepidation, his mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math.

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.

"Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fuckin around."

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man."And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.

[Bob Garage]

>Once upon a time,
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>in a land far away,
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>a beautiful, independent,
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>self-assured princess
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>happened upon a frog as she sat,
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>contemplating ecological issues
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>on the shores of an unpolluted pond
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>in a verdant meadow near her castle.
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>The frog hopped into the princess' lap
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>and said: Elegant Lady,
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>I was once a handsome prince,
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>until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
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>One kiss from you, however,
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>and I will turn back
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>into the dapper, young prince that I am
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>and then, my sweet, we can marry
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>and set up housekeeping in your castle
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>with my mother,
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>where you can prepare my meals,
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>clean my clothes, bear my children,
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>and forever
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>feel grateful and happy doing so.
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>That night,
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>as the princess dined sumptuously
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>on lightly sautied frog legs
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>seasoned in a white wine
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>and onion cream sauce,
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>she chuckled and thought to herself: ~~~~~~~~
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>I don't f****** think so.

[Bob Garage]

A guy walks into a bar with a lizard sitting on his shoulder.

He says to the bartender, "A double whiskey for me and," pointing to the lizard, "A half-pint of Guinness for Tiny here."

"Why do you call him Tiny?" asked the bartender.

The man answered,

"Because he's my newt."

[Bob Garage]

Scouse Vasectomy


After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that was
enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife
didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a big firework, light
it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the
world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is
going to help me".

Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point
he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue
counting on his other hand.

[Bob Garage]

Only in Kenya
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/kenya.php

[Bob Garage]

Bravest Man In The World

[scottph]

THE FIVE LEVELS OF DRINKING
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LEVEL 1: It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool."

LEVEL 2: It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool."

LEVEL 3: One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the

bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool."

LEVEL 4: Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face!

And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an....after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as

I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ... cool.

LEVEL 5: Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that

morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon

wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part

of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"

[Skinlessfrog]

Jesse Jackson, while visiting a primary school class, found himself in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy."

So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.?

"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Rev. Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

[SKOM666]

What do you call a one legged hippo?


Hoppo!