The Official Joke Thread

[scottph]

Yep, this about sums it up...

Contrary to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a long-term, stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy.

Of course this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With human guys, it's extremely difficult.
This is because guys don't really grasp what women mean by the term relationship.
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a

while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car.
To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: "Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh....Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about wether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward....I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

An Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly

care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centred, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their **** and they will talk about this situ...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have....Oh God, I feel so..."

(She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the right answer.
"It's just that...It's that I... I need some time," Elaine says.
(There's a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank YOU," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies in bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, wheras Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechs he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he's pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
(This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.

In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said, and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, every _expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:

"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

[Bob Garage]

As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her sister's, which were a bit on the small side.

When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired to their room, right next door to the Queen and Prince Phillip's.

Because of the type of construction done following the Windsor Castle fire, the adjoining walls were made of plasterboard.

As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off. My feet are killing me."

The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigour, but it was stuck fast.

"Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!"

"I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!"

There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed, "There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SOOO good!"

In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, "See, I told you, with a face like that, she was still a virgin."

Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe.

"Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to
the throne.

At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said, "That's my boy. Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"

[Bob Garage]

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long Black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a leash. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog.

"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file.Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Join the queue"

[scottph]

Not geography majors...

The following are actual stories told to travel agents, (and you wonder why US citizens generally score less than the rest of the world on geography)...

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don�t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interupted me with "I�m not trying to make you look stupid but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." her response...click.

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who�s luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I�m

overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while i "looked into it" (I was actually laughing), I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

A woman callede and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked her if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a comuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

[Bob Garage]

A middle aged woman standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband. "I look horrible. I'm fat, my boobs and my backside are getting more saggy by the day, I find a new wrinkle every morning and I think I'll have to go up yet ANOTHER dress size."

Sitting down with her head in her hands she continues, "I just feel so old and ugly... can you please at least pay me one compliment"

The husband replies....."Well if it's any consolation, your eyesight's fucking spot on!!"

[Bob Garage]

John Howard The Prime Minister of Australia is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.

"G'Day PM it‘s the Health Minister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory en Sydney has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire Aussie supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week."

PM: "Strewth - the economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - we'll be ruined!"

Health Minister: "We're going to have to ship some in from abroad... New Zealand?..."

PM: "No chance!! The Kiwi's will have a field day on this one!"

Health Minister: "What about Britain?"

PM: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know that we are stuck."

Health Minister: "You call Tony Blair - tell him we need one million condoms; ten inches long and eight inches thick! That way they'll know how big the Aussies really are!!"

John calls Tony, who agrees to help the Aussies out in their hour of need.

Three days later a van arrives in Canberra - full of boxes.

A delighted John Howard rushes out to open the boxes. He finds condoms; 10 inches long; 8 inches thick, all coloured Red, White and Blue.

He then notices in small writing on each and every one.........


MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE : MEDIUM

[Bob Garage]

Catchphrase - Say what you see....


http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2005 ... ase-p1.php

[Luís]

When I went to London, while resting on the hotel, I watched on TV a program called The Most Embarassing TV Moments and this was one of them. Excellent!

[Bob Garage]

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we
started swearing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you
swear after me, ok?"

"OK" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants
for breakfast.

"Oh, sh!t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"

WHACK!!

He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and
ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,

"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f*cking CocoPops."

[Bob Garage]

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but, only a high
school diploma to fix one - reassurance for those of us who fly
routinely as part of our job.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a "Gripe
Sheet" which tells maintenance engineers about problems with the
aircraft. The engineers correct the problems and document their
repairs on the form. The pilots then review the 'Gripe Sheets'
before the next flight.
Never let it be said maintenance engineers lack a sense of humour!
Below are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas
pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by maintenance
engineers (marked with an E).
Note - Qantas is the only major airline which has never had an
accident

P: The left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
E: Almost replaced the left inside main tyre.
+++
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land is very rough.
E: Auto-land is not installed on this aircraft.
+++
P: Something loose in cockpit.
E: Something tightened in cockpit.
+++
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
E: Live bugs on back-order.
+++
P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
E: Cannot reproduce the problem on the ground.
+++
P: Evidence of leak on right hand main landing gear.
E: Evidence has been removed.
+++
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
E: DME volume has been set to a more believable level.
+++
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
E: That's what they're for.
+++

P: IFF inoperative.
E: IFF is always inoperative when in the 'OFF' mode.
+++
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
E: Suspect you're right.
+++
P: Number 3 engine missing.
E: Engine found on right hand wing after a brief search.
+++
P: Aircraft handles funny.
E: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
+++
P: Target radar hums.
E: Re programmed target radar with lyrics.
+++
P: Mouse in cockpit.
E: Cat installed.
+++
P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. It sounds like a
midget pounding on something with a hammer.
E: Have taken the hammer away from the midget