The Official Joke Thread

[Bob Garage]

in the LIVERPOOL ECHO (AP) –

A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a Liverpool courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to Everton Football Club whom the boy firmly believes are incapable of beating anyone.

[Luís]

in the LIVERPOOL ECHO (AP) –

A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a Liverpool courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to Everton Football Club whom the boy firmly believes are incapable of beating anyone.

Excellent!

[Bob Garage]

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[Bob Garage]

Tony Blair started jogging near his home in Chequers. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"Fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the kerb. "No! Five pounds!" Tony would fire back. This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Tony realised she'd bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for the 'Boss'.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. Tony tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled,


"See what you get for a fiver ?!"

[Bob Garage]

The Pianist with Tourettes

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.


'Fu**ing get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the fu**ing manager of this pigs s*it middle class w*nk hole please you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says


'Yes you can you fat piece of s*it, I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting window and I'm here to audition.....w*nker.'


The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'


'That song, you big nosed tw*t, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just j*zzed in your daughter's eye, and now the c*nts blind...'


'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".'


'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title.


'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*t box you get cr*p on your bell end.'


'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?'


'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your r*ngpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".


'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'


'F*ck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.


On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out.


Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.


She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your c*ck is hanging out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?'


'Know it?'


says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,


'I f*cking wrote it !!!

[Bob Garage]

A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger.

He said 'try rubbing toilet paper between your tits, it's worked for

your arse'.


My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex

with his patients, it's a real shame cause he's a really good vet.


Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For sale clitoris

licking frog' She goes in and the shopkeeper say's 'Bonjour madame'.


Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much,

it scared the s**t out of me. So today I decided I'm never reading again.


Little girl gets lost in Tesco's, security guard asks her 'what's

your mum like?' Little girl replies 'Big cocks and vodka'.


A couple in a cafe in Llangollen asks 'Can you settle an argument

for us and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?' The waitress leaned

over and said ........ 'Burrr gurrr king'.


Boss has to lay off Ann or Jack. Ann walks into the office, boss

say's 'I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off.....'You better

jack off, I've got a headache'.


Larry la Prise who wrote the hokey cokey has died aged 93. The worst

part was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then

the trouble started.


Paul McCartney poem-: We lay upon the grassy bank, my hands were all

a quiver, I slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river.


Sorry I haven't been in touch, a friend was rushed to hospital to

have a dangerous mole removed from his penis...... he won't be shagging

one of those again!


It's important to keep fit as you get older, my granny started

walking 5 kilometres a day when she was 60. Today she's 97 and we don't

know where the hell she is!


Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of

tinsel.... They say it's only for the Christmas period.


A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her

pussy. Doc say's 'that looks nasty'. She say's 'Nasty?, it's just the

tip of the iceberg!


Two newly weds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite,

the receptionist asks 'do you have reservations?' The bride answers


'Yes, I won't take it up the arse'!

[Bob Garage]

A bloke goes into a pub and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I
want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from
between your t*ts", he says. "You dirty git", shouts the barmaid,
"get out before I get my husband." The bloke apologises and
promises not to repeat his gaffe.

The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I
want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks
of your a**e and lick it all off", he says. "You dirty filthy pervert.
You're banned. Get out!" she storms. Again, the bloke apologises
and swears never ever to do it again.

"One last chance", says the barmaid. "Now, what do you want?"
"I want to turn you upside down, open your legs and fill your
pu**y with Stella Artois, and then drink every last drop from it". The
barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs
To fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.

"What's up love?", he asks. "There's a bloke in the bar who wants
to put his head between my t*ts and lick the sweat off", she says.
"I'll kill him. Where is he?", storms the husband.

"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between the cheeks of
my ar*e and then lick it off", she screams. "Right. He's dead", says the
husband, reaching for a baseball bat.

"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my f**ny with
Stella and then drink it all", she cries.

The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and
switches the telly back on. "Aren't you going to do something about it?",
she cries hysterically. "Sorry love, but I'm definitely not messing
with someone who can drink 15 pints of Stella".

[metalcliff]

to many lols to shout boy this cracks me up for real haha

[Bob Garage]

How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.

What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

What's The Difference
Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

What Is The Difference Between a
Harley And a Hoover?!

The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

[Bob Garage]

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this
true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live
longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more
than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine;
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
programme?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables
be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
diet and exercise.

And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body
but, rather, to skid in sideways, chardonnay in one hand, chocolate
in the other; body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, screaming
"Woo-hoo, what a ride that was!!"